Break point

When two people have been married for a for a while, do they start accepting each others shortcomings as normal, or does that lie as an undercurrent in the relationship, waiting to explode at the opportune moment?

I'd like to believe in acceptance.

I always wonder What makes people walk away from a relationship of years? What is the breaking point?

5 years ago, after a fight with my husband, i'd be angry, frustrated and counting minutes through the night. Planning revenge,plotting strategy to walk out of the house and not return. Now,after a decent fight, i go to bed with the knowledge that this too shall pass, and that we are very normal.

But when i hear about friends and random people breaking up after being together for years,i worry.I could never imagine the generation before us decideing to go their seperate ways citing reasons that our generation does.

" We are not compatible"- after 8 years of marriage , and "She does not understand me" after a decade and two kids sounds very very scary.

Are relationships so fickle now? There are some basic fundamentals that i consider sacrosanct.

>>Infidelity: can be never accepted in a relation.

>>Respect: The spouse could be anyone professionally, but respect for the person is essential.

>>Honesty/ trust: if we are a unit,unless i know what the other parts are capable and are doing, work cannot be in tandem.

Maybe i am just an aberration-but to me, all other aspects can be worked on.

5 years down the line,this ideal may come back to bite me in the butt- they always do. I guess i need to work really hard to ensure that my break point is very very far away.

I do not ever want to be among the scores who say " it's just not working out", all the while cringing for the child who is always the one to lose.

Identities in a crowded world

I am a normal average middle class Indian. The kind who aspires to do well, save for a house, for retirement, have money tucked away for emergencies and parents healthcare. Also the kind who upon hearing about the lives of friends abroad, wishes one was abroad.

---dreams about living abroad one day, the clean roads, the winters that do not exist in India, to make a snowman, work 8 hours a day and have a quality life. Of doing a vacation once a year to perhaps one of those picturesque locations oft seen in travelogues.

--wonder if we should have moved out of the country earlier, like a lot of friends, managed a citizenship, visit India once in two years for 30 days, take pictures of self and kids every week, at every juncture in life- to share with folks back home, video chat with loved one’s and complain about non availability of authentic Indian food.

True, I harbour all these thoughts and wishes.

But then....

There are days when I feel the need to be part of a crowd and quietly take a detour to the market on a busy day with no aim to buy anything. Just walking through the crowds, taking in the sights and sounds, looking out for anything that catches my fancy, I realize my identity.

Deep down inside, I am still a part of a large extended family. I need my daily dose of family matters, chatter and gossip. I need to find out what mom cooked for dinner today. I need to attend that twice removed cousin’s youngest daughter’s engagement. I need to be around my people, see that familiar old house once in six months, pray at the family deity’s temple, and spend the night sitting and chatting in moonlight.

I am still in India, just 2000 kms from my parents, not seen them for exactly 4 months, not been home for 18 months, and homesick like hell. I am in the most crowded city, meet people who want to know intricate details of my life 25 seconds after they meet, and still feel lonely at times.

That dream of living abroad some day, the more I think about it, less appealing it sounds now. Travel I will, but home is where the heart is.

And home will never be more than a night’s drive from where my folks are. Ever.

Friendship blues

Some of the best friends are the ones i meet less and socialize even less with.

I am guessing it is solely because i know i do not need to do these. Some friendships do not need a measure.

The last weekend we spent time with a couple who we knew on and off for the last 11 years. What started of as a casual busines acquaintance has now grown into a relation ship that i cannot define. And somehow we happen to end up the the same cities together.

We move cities, stay away from each other for most part of the year and meet once in a quarter, maybe? But, when we meet, it feels like they have always been around. Like we last met them the day before, or that morning..

And conversation, always tends around things that i would never discuss in open. Financial situations, where we could improve as people, what i want to do with our lives in the next 5 years, Worries about family,concerns about parents - their age, illness. A visit from them and i feel much cleaned. Like i've put down a load from my head- oh not just mine, happens to TB too.

And yes, sometimes we do the regular girlfriend thing too...like go shopping to a mall, put kid in a play area for hours and shop to our hearts content.

They are moving again, to a different city, and were practically holed up at our house over the weekend. We cooked , watched movies, played with V and were just ourselves. When they were leaving, she said" When do we see you again?"

And the husband said : "All you need to do is ask, and we'll be here. But you know that already, don't you?"

Yes i do.

I know they'll be there when i need,and they will know exactly what to say, and it will feel like they never left.

Is there something called friendship blues? I think i am suffering from that right now.