Time to myself.

In a 24 hour day, i manage to save about 20 mins for myself. Who cares if this is after 12.00 AM?
No one, except my own body who will very soon revolt for some rest.
And i am very adept at concealing feet that badly need a pedicure, and ignoring the new packet of cooking chocolate that will hit expiry soon.

On the upside, i have a new travelling/ talking companion in the 5.5 yr old. We talk, about everything under the sun. And plan and do things together. And i receive a lot more hugs and kisses.

Makes up for all the time i do not have for myself.

Will you also go away?

Isn't that one of our primal fears?a perennial one too? That someone we love will go away from us? Irrespective of how old we are, that fear exists.

We made a decision this year, to do away with the lady who helped take care of V ,and moved him to daycare. For the last month, my mom stayed with us to settle things and she now, has gone back.

It has been two weeks since she left now, and the first week i had a very very clingy son. One who would not let me step out of his line of vision, wanted me to accompany him everywhere holding hands. While it was very mushy to begin with, it became quite difficult and i figured there is something beyond a regular clinging here. So , a week ago, i decided to straighten things and made him sit down and talk.

I asked him why he was being so clingy, i told him that while it was nice to want me to be around all the time, it is not possible and maybe we should figure out what he should do all by himself. He quietly listened and said, " i am sad because ammamma( my mom) went away".

That moment, it all came together. It was not just ammamma, it was the fear of having people he likes around him and them moving away. First it was valiamma( the lady who took care of him), and now my mom. Then we talked about why mom had to go away etc. and he seemed to understand.

There was still something that bothered me after that conversation. I held him on my lap and asked him " Are you scared that me and papa will go away as well? ". He nodded, like, a huge worry was being addressed.

I hugged him and told him that no matter what happens, we, will never leave him. That our life was with him. Wherever we go, we will take him with us. The relief on his face was immense.

One week now after the conversation, and i have a child who accepts and understands why and how.

All he needed to be told was that " We will be there for you- always".

Incidentally, isn't that what all of us want to be told?

As was once said by Kahlil Gibran ---"And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation"

Of living and dying

We have fish at home.

Nothing surprising here, except, this is in a brand new fish tank!!!(Nitya, are you reading this??)

So what do they have in relation to the heading??

They came home 2 weeks ago. After 2 weeks , we were down to 5 fishes from the 12 we started with. So then, logically, one is forced to respond to questions about death. So one explains about growing up and old age and death etc..They make very interesting conversation snippets, trust me.. some of them go like this..

V to my mom: How old are you ammamma?

Mom: 50 ++

V: You and muttassa will die when you are 71.

Mom: What? how do you know?

V: I know *with that all knowing look*

V to me: When i become big and you become small( heh!, we still have not got over this one), i will spank your bum.

Me: Bwahaha, i will not become small again, i will only become bigger( literally!) and older.

V: When you become older, will you die?

Me: Err, umm, yes. Everyone dies after some time.

V: I don't like that. I will be very sad.

...at which stage, we change topics!!

V to me: Amma, when you become 100 years old, will you die?

Me: I really hope so. I don't want to live till 100. That will be really old.

V: Why? Will you be so big you cannot fit inside the house?

Me. No i will be so old, i will not be able to walk or stand. And also, you will be 70 by then, like, XYZ's grandpa?

V: *Thinks very hard* Will i be old like muttassa?

Me: Yes, you will.

V: I don't want to have white hair, he has all white hair. I don't want to be 70.

V: When will i become old?

Me: When you are 70 years..

V: I want to be 36( the father's age)

Me: You have so much to do before that...you will become 15, then 17, then finish school( he does not object to this), then 18 , after which you can drive a car( he does not object to this either), Then go to college,( No objection), then find a job( objects vehemently!!!), find a girlfriend...

V: Stop stop, why do i need a girlfriend?

Me: Like how acha has amma, you also need someone. To love, to stay with, to take care. That is why you need a girlfriend.

V: I do not want a girlfriend* very angry*

Me: then who will you stay with?

V: I will stay with you, i like you a lot.I like your hands, i like your nose, i like you full. I will only stay with you.

At that point people, i melted into a puddle. The rest of the conversation does not matter!

As a bonus, here is the humble fishtank that has triggered such intense discussions in this household...

My reason # 29

Instead of work, timepass and blogging, last weeks have been ...

Hospital, IV injections and boredom..

There, ......now i have a valid reason for disappearing.

But then, next week i should be back, and maybe follow Nitya's footsteps to wordpress. Very tempted.

i guess the weekend will be spent deciding.

The emotional backup

Do you feel used at times? Like an emotional backup?

Sometimes i do... and i don't exactly like that feeling.

When the going is good,i do not exist.I could be anything, anywhere, another insignifiant thread that makes up life. But when faced with adversity, i become relevant? i become an anchor to shore issues? To listen/ to advice..

...much like that invertor at home.

No power, switch on the invertor. Else, it is just another device that gathers dust in some confine, till power goes off.

Unfortunately, i am not an invertor. I am a human being who can think and react. Makes things a lot more complicated. And makes me wonder how people treat relationships with so much objectivity- like it is another device that helps you get through life- with an on/ off switch!

Dinah Shore said " Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough". Personally, i think the measure of a relationship is not how much they share during adversity, i think it is how much you share when nothing of significance is happening in each others lives.

THAT, is the true measure of a relationship. And i think some of mine score on a negative scale on this!!

An update

To all of you who expressed concern about how the child will stay away so many days from ze parents, we have a solution....

...errr.. a situation, more like.

Ze child returns this weekend, because the parents are chicken. They almost cried over the phone, prompting the grandparents to quickly ask for return tickets.

So the child will be back, and we shall stop sulking and brooding.

The pseudo bravery mask just flew out of the window.

For all of you who thought we were setting a trend/ example- now you know better. You know who NOT to trust.

It is that time of the year...

When we send the child off for holidays and sulk and sulk and whine and act like teenagers who have lost their marbles.

Yes! the kid is on annual holiday with both sets of grandparents, and an additional week with his aunt thrown in this year.

We do not seem to learn from out last years experience, surprisingly. We promise ourselves and each other that -"This is it- it is absolutely the last time we are sending him away", and promptly book his tickets and send him off.

I then make grand plans about what all we can get done, in the interval that the child is not there and i have lots of time to spare.

Lists made, plans worked out..

The only thing i have managed to do from that list is to move the microwave from point A- point B in kitchen. Apart from that, i have finished 4 books, vegetated on the couch for hours, and watched some utterly boring shows, including one where they showed how cutlery is made!

But then, i should not complain right? He is enjoying holidays with real people, spending time outdoors, than stay back here are spend it with the cartoon characters on TV.

And ze husband? Sulking more than me, missing the kid terribly and downright depressed. .

Sulking is my job- he is supposed to make me get out of that mode.

Obviously he missed reading the manual before marriage.