Of a missing child and his mother..

In the many years of my existence, i have made a mental list of things that can go wrong with my life and feared for it every other day. Classic symptoms of being a worry wart.

After i had V , my list of things that can go wrong increased exponentially. It varied from him falling off the bed and breaking his nose to elaborate hijacking of the vehicle we were travelling etc(yes,  i can be very creative at times). The biggest of them being losing him in a crowd, of him getting separated , and me not being able to find him.

I read about parents losing their children and shudder, wondering how they cope with it. I read of children going missing and wonder, how do the parents survive with the realization that their child "maybe somewhere"? I don't think i can. I met such a mom this weekend.

We( me and V) were on a train for a short trip and less than an hour into our travel, a lady, dressed like many people who we see living on the platforms of mumbai , was escorted into the AC compartment by one of the pantry car attendants, as all the TC's for that train were congregated in the seats next to us.

He explained that he had found the lady standing near the door of the train and howling looking outside, after the train had started. From their halting conversation in actions, he understood that her child was left behind in one of busiest platforms on mumbai city, along with her bags. He then helped her look for the kid in all the compartment, failing which he bought her to the TC.

I shuddered, thinking of what she must be going through. Turned out she could only speak her native tongue, which only i understood. So i ended up translating her story.

She was a street dweller, one among the many that come to mumbai in search of a better life, live that fickle of life with someone , get dumped with a kid, and run back home with all their belongings. She was at her station, running back with all her belongings in two bags, and a baby boy about 2.5 years old. She had a midnight train that came into the platform , and decided to spend the time waiting out there.
Our train came in , halted, and she in her ignorance thought that the train was going to be stopped for a while. She bought a packet of snacks, gave it to the baby boy and made him sit with the bags, and decided to use the bathroom in the train.

She came out of the bathroom to find the train moving out of the platform , with here baby and bags left behind.
She was what i could best describe as a shattered soul.I made her sit on the seat while the TC's got in touch with the station officials  with patchy network. Then coordinated for her to be dropped off at the next station and sent back . And called the station where she boarded and intimated them to start searching for the kid and bags. I kept assuring her all will be ok, that she will be back with the kid soon.

In my mind, i doubted my words. A vast station,crowds milling for an opportunity- a child and two bags are easy to disappear, and said a silent prayer. After she got down, i hoped she does find the child, safe and sound. Then i held V's hands, and held him close, and never let him out of my sight.

Perfect Life, and a single flaw

And they lived happily aver after... isn't that how all stories are expected to end. Everything falls in place, their lives become perfect.. and all is well.
Isn't that the life everyone wants.. perfect , in their own way??

Well, everyone except me, i assume.

I have a problem with perfect life. Actually i have a problem with everything that can be called perfect. And no i am not a pessimist. I am the other extreme.. An optimist who believes that everything must have a flaw, insignificant, but existing.

Call it strange, but i have always observed that whenever something is referred to as perfect, it does not stay that way for long. So i have this problem bordering obsession where i hope that something small, something minor will go wrong. Then, i tell myself that it will stay on ...

It would be my perfect life to live in my own house, with my loved one's and have a job that keeps me happy.  But that would have been perfect. And i would worry myself to death everything thinking something is about to go wrong and upset this balance- and they invariably, always happen.

So when it looked like my perfect life was about to come together,i fretted, i worried and basically thought of everything possible to figure out what to do. But then destiny decided to play its own cards. So now i have my perfect life coming together- hopefully soon, with a flaw that will no longer make it perfect.

But to me, that single flaw gives me strength to know everything else will go alright. The petition to the man above is till pending, but he might just consider accepting it this time around.

I'd take this flawed life any day above a perfect one. I can sleep well knowing i do not have a perfect life.

Change is constant, change is inevitable...

I have excuses for not being around, lots of them.
Only, i am not fully convinced they are credible... so, we'll leave it at that ok. Ok?? And resume regular programming.

When one is blogging regularly, it seems like the most natural thing to do... share thoughts, feelings, anecdotes, receive responses, feel wanted. Till you start feeling " how did i survive before i discovered this?".
Then one day, BAM! you go off blogging, and wonder " i can live without blogging as well".
I tethered between these extremes, and still have not found an amicable middle path. Hopefully soon.. In the meanwhile, the urge to write( type??) is back.

Life, as i know for the last few years, is changing. Subtly, slowly, that change is creeping upon me. It can be felt. And since it is expected, it does not come as a surprise...it holds the excitement of a delayed courier.
You know it is on its way.. you know what is inside, but you don't know how that will change things around you.

Knowingly or unknowingly, one starts mentally re arranging life around the impending change, and waits for it to actually make an appearance. And no, it not a new addition to the family, in case any of you are wondering.

There is definitely a new addition coming into the larger family. The baby i first fell in love with, the one is crept upto watch through the hospital air vents is going to have a baby herself, and make me an aunt all over again.

Happy changes, and hopefully all for good...in the meanwhile, it is about time i reacquaint myself with words and phrases. I'm going to need conversations a lot more than in ever did...

Time to myself.

In a 24 hour day, i manage to save about 20 mins for myself. Who cares if this is after 12.00 AM?
No one, except my own body who will very soon revolt for some rest.
And i am very adept at concealing feet that badly need a pedicure, and ignoring the new packet of cooking chocolate that will hit expiry soon.

On the upside, i have a new travelling/ talking companion in the 5.5 yr old. We talk, about everything under the sun. And plan and do things together. And i receive a lot more hugs and kisses.

Makes up for all the time i do not have for myself.

Will you also go away?

Isn't that one of our primal fears?a perennial one too? That someone we love will go away from us? Irrespective of how old we are, that fear exists.

We made a decision this year, to do away with the lady who helped take care of V ,and moved him to daycare. For the last month, my mom stayed with us to settle things and she now, has gone back.

It has been two weeks since she left now, and the first week i had a very very clingy son. One who would not let me step out of his line of vision, wanted me to accompany him everywhere holding hands. While it was very mushy to begin with, it became quite difficult and i figured there is something beyond a regular clinging here. So , a week ago, i decided to straighten things and made him sit down and talk.

I asked him why he was being so clingy, i told him that while it was nice to want me to be around all the time, it is not possible and maybe we should figure out what he should do all by himself. He quietly listened and said, " i am sad because ammamma( my mom) went away".

That moment, it all came together. It was not just ammamma, it was the fear of having people he likes around him and them moving away. First it was valiamma( the lady who took care of him), and now my mom. Then we talked about why mom had to go away etc. and he seemed to understand.

There was still something that bothered me after that conversation. I held him on my lap and asked him " Are you scared that me and papa will go away as well? ". He nodded, like, a huge worry was being addressed.

I hugged him and told him that no matter what happens, we, will never leave him. That our life was with him. Wherever we go, we will take him with us. The relief on his face was immense.

One week now after the conversation, and i have a child who accepts and understands why and how.

All he needed to be told was that " We will be there for you- always".

Incidentally, isn't that what all of us want to be told?

As was once said by Kahlil Gibran ---"And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation"

Of living and dying

We have fish at home.

Nothing surprising here, except, this is in a brand new fish tank!!!(Nitya, are you reading this??)

So what do they have in relation to the heading??

They came home 2 weeks ago. After 2 weeks , we were down to 5 fishes from the 12 we started with. So then, logically, one is forced to respond to questions about death. So one explains about growing up and old age and death etc..They make very interesting conversation snippets, trust me.. some of them go like this..

V to my mom: How old are you ammamma?

Mom: 50 ++

V: You and muttassa will die when you are 71.

Mom: What? how do you know?

V: I know *with that all knowing look*

V to me: When i become big and you become small( heh!, we still have not got over this one), i will spank your bum.

Me: Bwahaha, i will not become small again, i will only become bigger( literally!) and older.

V: When you become older, will you die?

Me: Err, umm, yes. Everyone dies after some time.

V: I don't like that. I will be very sad.

...at which stage, we change topics!!

V to me: Amma, when you become 100 years old, will you die?

Me: I really hope so. I don't want to live till 100. That will be really old.

V: Why? Will you be so big you cannot fit inside the house?

Me. No i will be so old, i will not be able to walk or stand. And also, you will be 70 by then, like, XYZ's grandpa?

V: *Thinks very hard* Will i be old like muttassa?

Me: Yes, you will.

V: I don't want to have white hair, he has all white hair. I don't want to be 70.

V: When will i become old?

Me: When you are 70 years..

V: I want to be 36( the father's age)

Me: You have so much to do before that...you will become 15, then 17, then finish school( he does not object to this), then 18 , after which you can drive a car( he does not object to this either), Then go to college,( No objection), then find a job( objects vehemently!!!), find a girlfriend...

V: Stop stop, why do i need a girlfriend?

Me: Like how acha has amma, you also need someone. To love, to stay with, to take care. That is why you need a girlfriend.

V: I do not want a girlfriend* very angry*

Me: then who will you stay with?

V: I will stay with you, i like you a lot.I like your hands, i like your nose, i like you full. I will only stay with you.

At that point people, i melted into a puddle. The rest of the conversation does not matter!

As a bonus, here is the humble fishtank that has triggered such intense discussions in this household...

My reason # 29

Instead of work, timepass and blogging, last weeks have been ...

Hospital, IV injections and boredom..

There, ......now i have a valid reason for disappearing.

But then, next week i should be back, and maybe follow Nitya's footsteps to wordpress. Very tempted.

i guess the weekend will be spent deciding.