Virtual move

Over 400 days of no blogging.

Its a record. Everyone needs some records. It being Olympic season and all.

I really have no excuses. Except that with the new google layout, it was getting harder to find out the way to reach my own blog!.

So i have decided to move and open shop here--> http://straygreymatter.tumblr.com/

Maybe now i can stop shirking. Pray for willpower, will you?

A little down south and to the east

Thats where i have moved to...down south and a bit towards east from Mumbai. At Bangalore.

Mentally i have moved here many times, went over what all i wanted to do once here , a million times in my head. Reality,has been very similar for a change.

For now, i am enjoying the space that the house offers me...my sparse furniture from the Bombay flat is looking like individual islands in corners of the house.

That hacking cough that followed me like a shadow in Mumbai has disappeared for now. I actually go for a morning walk and stop by to observe the flowers in the neighboring compounds.

The kid has made friends, re started his music classes and speaks a new Kannada word everyday. Yesterday, he sang two lines of a Kannada song - this one-to a much surprised audience including me , mom and sister.

I am back at work- as part of a 3 member team. The 3rd member being myself. Still haven't figured out travel in the city, and is completely in awe of the Volvo buses.

I come home to family - a six year old and an almost six month old who make my day completely worth while. And the sister i adore, and parents and the brother in law who make it complete.

My house is complete.. the home, not yet. My heart is in Pune. Everything is started by the " i wish he was here" thought.

I am happy with my material life as it is... it's the heart that hurts. I wish he moves here soon.Then i can call it home.

Down and out

That's pretty much me, these days.


Being a single parent and managing a long commute in this city is taxing. It's almost despicable! And it is turning me into someone i don't like.
I don't like to speak to anyone outside my routine, and hardly have any friends over. The last time i went to a friends house? Don't even go there..


Technically, it was very easy to decide that the husband will be in another city for a while. I am the brave one- you see. I pretty much run the house on my own anyway. All he does is come home in the evening and spend that few hours on the couch. How much of a difference can it make if he does that once in two weeks. Managable, really. Reality ---- is nothing like that.


Everything in the house runs like clockwork. We leave on time, we reach late( blame the commute here), everything stays in it's place.The cushions on the sofa are intact, there are no shoes lying outside the shoe rack, and no wet towels on the bed. My ideal world!!


But i am hating it.


I miss looking forward to catch the tell tale sound of the car lock, time his way up the steps and waiting with an open door. I miss asking him to stop reading the paper in the loo and step outside so we could use it.
I hate not being able to spend that five minutes talking about our day. I miss the noise, the commotion the father and son create.


Above everything, i miss his presence. Sometimes all i want him is to be home. I can live with him contributing nothing to the goings- on  in this house. He could be glued to TV all day. But the fact that " he is home" makes up for all that.


Who knew this would turn out to be so difficult?. May be this is what love matures into.... a beautiful companionship where the mere absence / presence of a person makes it all worthwhile.

11.1.11- and on this day...

I became an aunt, yet again.
This time , to a baby girl who looks like strawberry pudding.

And she looks exactly like how her mother did 28 years ago. Then, the mother's elder sis caught sneaky glimpses of the baby being bathed inside the labour room, and announced to everyone that there was a very cute baby inside. She continued to wait for her little sibling, and the nurse bought the chubby cute baby outside and told me she was my sister.

I fell in love, for the first time....

In the many years that followed, her cheeks stayed chubby and rosy and i spent much time defending them from my friends, classmates and random people. The chubby cheeked girl followed me all around the place, pretty much adored everything i did in life( at least in the early years) and grew upto be my little best friend.

And yesterday, she gave me the most beautiful niece i could ever have. Chubby cheeks, snub nose and looking like a pudding. My little baby just had a baby of her own. I am still getting over the excitement!!!

Maybe i should teach V techniques on how to defend the baby's cheeks from random people now :-)

Do you judge a person?

Do you judge people during your first interaction? And categorize them in different brackets?
I do not. I am quite tolerable when it comes to people.
Frankly, i think it is more of that "i don't care as long as it does not affect me" attitude that i use when meeting people.

But once in a while, there comes along a person who forces you to judge. Sometimes with just a 10 min interaction. I did that yesterday. And it has been eating me since then.

I want to a birthday party with kid y'day. We were late- it was a work day and there was no way we could be there before that. But since i promised the kid, i took him to their house for a quick wish and dash. Apart from us, there was only another couple who were present.We walked in , wished, gave the gift , and of course were offered the cake . Those 10 minutes when the kid was wolfing down the cake, i made small talk with the mother- i apologized for the delay and blamed it on my commute from work. The father of the child   (who i have never met before), who was party to this conversation took over then.He asked about the kids school, how long we have been here etc.

Suddenly, out of the blue, he asks me " What does sir do?"

It took me a minute to understand that he was referring to the husband as "Sir". My first instinct was to tell him that the name was not "sir". So i kept quite and answered him. The b'day girls mom helpfully added that i work in the city and hence we were late. He acknowledged it with a nod, and continued asking me what the husbands job was all about. I was surprised that he did not ask me what i do. So clammed up after a while.

A little while later, another guest walked in, he introduced the couple who had come in before us to them. He mentioned where they stay, and what the husband did for a living and the lady as " his wife". There was no mention about her work. She was a working professional as well, and he felt no need to introduce her as a professional. I was aghast.

I my mind, i was thinking that he had judged me - because i was a woman, and maybe not capable of holding a job of any value.Same with the other lady guest.

In that moment, i judged him. As someone i probably will have no respect in life for. I wondered how he must be introducing his wife to people in his social circle. I am pretty sure he says "this is my wife", without taking her name.

And it kept eating me.That fact that i had formed an opinion of some one i had met barely 10 minutes before. I told myself that i was being silly, that i was maybe being harsh. maybe he wasn't like that. But when i woke up this morning, i felt better about judging him.

No, i am not married to "sir", and he does not introduce me as " my wife". If someone cannot identify me as a person with a distinct personality, it is his loss. And i still hold my judgement against him.

Of a missing child and his mother..

In the many years of my existence, i have made a mental list of things that can go wrong with my life and feared for it every other day. Classic symptoms of being a worry wart.

After i had V , my list of things that can go wrong increased exponentially. It varied from him falling off the bed and breaking his nose to elaborate hijacking of the vehicle we were travelling etc(yes,  i can be very creative at times). The biggest of them being losing him in a crowd, of him getting separated , and me not being able to find him.

I read about parents losing their children and shudder, wondering how they cope with it. I read of children going missing and wonder, how do the parents survive with the realization that their child "maybe somewhere"? I don't think i can. I met such a mom this weekend.

We( me and V) were on a train for a short trip and less than an hour into our travel, a lady, dressed like many people who we see living on the platforms of mumbai , was escorted into the AC compartment by one of the pantry car attendants, as all the TC's for that train were congregated in the seats next to us.

He explained that he had found the lady standing near the door of the train and howling looking outside, after the train had started. From their halting conversation in actions, he understood that her child was left behind in one of busiest platforms on mumbai city, along with her bags. He then helped her look for the kid in all the compartment, failing which he bought her to the TC.

I shuddered, thinking of what she must be going through. Turned out she could only speak her native tongue, which only i understood. So i ended up translating her story.

She was a street dweller, one among the many that come to mumbai in search of a better life, live that fickle of life with someone , get dumped with a kid, and run back home with all their belongings. She was at her station, running back with all her belongings in two bags, and a baby boy about 2.5 years old. She had a midnight train that came into the platform , and decided to spend the time waiting out there.
Our train came in , halted, and she in her ignorance thought that the train was going to be stopped for a while. She bought a packet of snacks, gave it to the baby boy and made him sit with the bags, and decided to use the bathroom in the train.

She came out of the bathroom to find the train moving out of the platform , with here baby and bags left behind.
She was what i could best describe as a shattered soul.I made her sit on the seat while the TC's got in touch with the station officials  with patchy network. Then coordinated for her to be dropped off at the next station and sent back . And called the station where she boarded and intimated them to start searching for the kid and bags. I kept assuring her all will be ok, that she will be back with the kid soon.

In my mind, i doubted my words. A vast station,crowds milling for an opportunity- a child and two bags are easy to disappear, and said a silent prayer. After she got down, i hoped she does find the child, safe and sound. Then i held V's hands, and held him close, and never let him out of my sight.

Perfect Life, and a single flaw

And they lived happily aver after... isn't that how all stories are expected to end. Everything falls in place, their lives become perfect.. and all is well.
Isn't that the life everyone wants.. perfect , in their own way??

Well, everyone except me, i assume.

I have a problem with perfect life. Actually i have a problem with everything that can be called perfect. And no i am not a pessimist. I am the other extreme.. An optimist who believes that everything must have a flaw, insignificant, but existing.

Call it strange, but i have always observed that whenever something is referred to as perfect, it does not stay that way for long. So i have this problem bordering obsession where i hope that something small, something minor will go wrong. Then, i tell myself that it will stay on ...

It would be my perfect life to live in my own house, with my loved one's and have a job that keeps me happy.  But that would have been perfect. And i would worry myself to death everything thinking something is about to go wrong and upset this balance- and they invariably, always happen.

So when it looked like my perfect life was about to come together,i fretted, i worried and basically thought of everything possible to figure out what to do. But then destiny decided to play its own cards. So now i have my perfect life coming together- hopefully soon, with a flaw that will no longer make it perfect.

But to me, that single flaw gives me strength to know everything else will go alright. The petition to the man above is till pending, but he might just consider accepting it this time around.

I'd take this flawed life any day above a perfect one. I can sleep well knowing i do not have a perfect life.

Change is constant, change is inevitable...

I have excuses for not being around, lots of them.
Only, i am not fully convinced they are credible... so, we'll leave it at that ok. Ok?? And resume regular programming.

When one is blogging regularly, it seems like the most natural thing to do... share thoughts, feelings, anecdotes, receive responses, feel wanted. Till you start feeling " how did i survive before i discovered this?".
Then one day, BAM! you go off blogging, and wonder " i can live without blogging as well".
I tethered between these extremes, and still have not found an amicable middle path. Hopefully soon.. In the meanwhile, the urge to write( type??) is back.

Life, as i know for the last few years, is changing. Subtly, slowly, that change is creeping upon me. It can be felt. And since it is expected, it does not come as a surprise...it holds the excitement of a delayed courier.
You know it is on its way.. you know what is inside, but you don't know how that will change things around you.

Knowingly or unknowingly, one starts mentally re arranging life around the impending change, and waits for it to actually make an appearance. And no, it not a new addition to the family, in case any of you are wondering.

There is definitely a new addition coming into the larger family. The baby i first fell in love with, the one is crept upto watch through the hospital air vents is going to have a baby herself, and make me an aunt all over again.

Happy changes, and hopefully all for good...in the meanwhile, it is about time i reacquaint myself with words and phrases. I'm going to need conversations a lot more than in ever did...

Time to myself.

In a 24 hour day, i manage to save about 20 mins for myself. Who cares if this is after 12.00 AM?
No one, except my own body who will very soon revolt for some rest.
And i am very adept at concealing feet that badly need a pedicure, and ignoring the new packet of cooking chocolate that will hit expiry soon.

On the upside, i have a new travelling/ talking companion in the 5.5 yr old. We talk, about everything under the sun. And plan and do things together. And i receive a lot more hugs and kisses.

Makes up for all the time i do not have for myself.

Will you also go away?

Isn't that one of our primal fears?a perennial one too? That someone we love will go away from us? Irrespective of how old we are, that fear exists.

We made a decision this year, to do away with the lady who helped take care of V ,and moved him to daycare. For the last month, my mom stayed with us to settle things and she now, has gone back.

It has been two weeks since she left now, and the first week i had a very very clingy son. One who would not let me step out of his line of vision, wanted me to accompany him everywhere holding hands. While it was very mushy to begin with, it became quite difficult and i figured there is something beyond a regular clinging here. So , a week ago, i decided to straighten things and made him sit down and talk.

I asked him why he was being so clingy, i told him that while it was nice to want me to be around all the time, it is not possible and maybe we should figure out what he should do all by himself. He quietly listened and said, " i am sad because ammamma( my mom) went away".

That moment, it all came together. It was not just ammamma, it was the fear of having people he likes around him and them moving away. First it was valiamma( the lady who took care of him), and now my mom. Then we talked about why mom had to go away etc. and he seemed to understand.

There was still something that bothered me after that conversation. I held him on my lap and asked him " Are you scared that me and papa will go away as well? ". He nodded, like, a huge worry was being addressed.

I hugged him and told him that no matter what happens, we, will never leave him. That our life was with him. Wherever we go, we will take him with us. The relief on his face was immense.

One week now after the conversation, and i have a child who accepts and understands why and how.

All he needed to be told was that " We will be there for you- always".

Incidentally, isn't that what all of us want to be told?

As was once said by Kahlil Gibran ---"And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation"

Of living and dying

We have fish at home.

Nothing surprising here, except, this is in a brand new fish tank!!!(Nitya, are you reading this??)

So what do they have in relation to the heading??

They came home 2 weeks ago. After 2 weeks , we were down to 5 fishes from the 12 we started with. So then, logically, one is forced to respond to questions about death. So one explains about growing up and old age and death etc..They make very interesting conversation snippets, trust me.. some of them go like this..

V to my mom: How old are you ammamma?

Mom: 50 ++

V: You and muttassa will die when you are 71.

Mom: What? how do you know?

V: I know *with that all knowing look*

V to me: When i become big and you become small( heh!, we still have not got over this one), i will spank your bum.

Me: Bwahaha, i will not become small again, i will only become bigger( literally!) and older.

V: When you become older, will you die?

Me: Err, umm, yes. Everyone dies after some time.

V: I don't like that. I will be very sad.

...at which stage, we change topics!!

V to me: Amma, when you become 100 years old, will you die?

Me: I really hope so. I don't want to live till 100. That will be really old.

V: Why? Will you be so big you cannot fit inside the house?

Me. No i will be so old, i will not be able to walk or stand. And also, you will be 70 by then, like, XYZ's grandpa?

V: *Thinks very hard* Will i be old like muttassa?

Me: Yes, you will.

V: I don't want to have white hair, he has all white hair. I don't want to be 70.

V: When will i become old?

Me: When you are 70 years..

V: I want to be 36( the father's age)

Me: You have so much to do before that...you will become 15, then 17, then finish school( he does not object to this), then 18 , after which you can drive a car( he does not object to this either), Then go to college,( No objection), then find a job( objects vehemently!!!), find a girlfriend...

V: Stop stop, why do i need a girlfriend?

Me: Like how acha has amma, you also need someone. To love, to stay with, to take care. That is why you need a girlfriend.

V: I do not want a girlfriend* very angry*

Me: then who will you stay with?

V: I will stay with you, i like you a lot.I like your hands, i like your nose, i like you full. I will only stay with you.

At that point people, i melted into a puddle. The rest of the conversation does not matter!

As a bonus, here is the humble fishtank that has triggered such intense discussions in this household...

My reason # 29

Instead of work, timepass and blogging, last weeks have been ...

Hospital, IV injections and boredom..

There, ......now i have a valid reason for disappearing.

But then, next week i should be back, and maybe follow Nitya's footsteps to wordpress. Very tempted.

i guess the weekend will be spent deciding.

The emotional backup

Do you feel used at times? Like an emotional backup?

Sometimes i do... and i don't exactly like that feeling.

When the going is good,i do not exist.I could be anything, anywhere, another insignifiant thread that makes up life. But when faced with adversity, i become relevant? i become an anchor to shore issues? To listen/ to advice..

...much like that invertor at home.

No power, switch on the invertor. Else, it is just another device that gathers dust in some confine, till power goes off.

Unfortunately, i am not an invertor. I am a human being who can think and react. Makes things a lot more complicated. And makes me wonder how people treat relationships with so much objectivity- like it is another device that helps you get through life- with an on/ off switch!

Dinah Shore said " Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough". Personally, i think the measure of a relationship is not how much they share during adversity, i think it is how much you share when nothing of significance is happening in each others lives.

THAT, is the true measure of a relationship. And i think some of mine score on a negative scale on this!!

An update

To all of you who expressed concern about how the child will stay away so many days from ze parents, we have a solution....

...errr.. a situation, more like.

Ze child returns this weekend, because the parents are chicken. They almost cried over the phone, prompting the grandparents to quickly ask for return tickets.

So the child will be back, and we shall stop sulking and brooding.

The pseudo bravery mask just flew out of the window.

For all of you who thought we were setting a trend/ example- now you know better. You know who NOT to trust.

It is that time of the year...

When we send the child off for holidays and sulk and sulk and whine and act like teenagers who have lost their marbles.

Yes! the kid is on annual holiday with both sets of grandparents, and an additional week with his aunt thrown in this year.

We do not seem to learn from out last years experience, surprisingly. We promise ourselves and each other that -"This is it- it is absolutely the last time we are sending him away", and promptly book his tickets and send him off.

I then make grand plans about what all we can get done, in the interval that the child is not there and i have lots of time to spare.

Lists made, plans worked out..

The only thing i have managed to do from that list is to move the microwave from point A- point B in kitchen. Apart from that, i have finished 4 books, vegetated on the couch for hours, and watched some utterly boring shows, including one where they showed how cutlery is made!

But then, i should not complain right? He is enjoying holidays with real people, spending time outdoors, than stay back here are spend it with the cartoon characters on TV.

And ze husband? Sulking more than me, missing the kid terribly and downright depressed. .

Sulking is my job- he is supposed to make me get out of that mode.

Obviously he missed reading the manual before marriage.

All in a weekend..

Saturday .....

Couple 1: Young, married for maybe 4 years, one baby. Arranged marriage...Can't stand each other. Can't live with each other..pursuing their own lives. Child too small to understand implications.

Couple 2: Beautiful couple...about to begin life as a family, dealing with a fatal blow life offered them...she- trying to pick up pieces of that dream she saw fall apart a few months ago!

Couple 3: "Fell in love at 15, married at 19" couple. Married for about 15 years, now handling a bitter seperation and dirt throwing that is getting muckier than mumbai sewers...teenage daughter caught in between....and who has not smiled in months now.

You want to have a life..and throw it away for something smaller, something as insignificant as ego....

You have a life built over years, and tear it apart by trodding over your loved one's and harassing them...

You want to have a life, and work for it, and life plays spoilsport and brings you back to square one, but this time, with added responsibility and fewer resources...

Somedays the whole world seems to be conspiring against people who just want to have normal lives...

Times when one almost feels guilty for having a fairly normal life....

Sunday....

Couple 4: The girl who walked out of an abusive relationship.. her baby who cried for years together in memory.

The guy- best friend, who pulled the girl to the shores and turned her back into the swan she really is...and became papa to the baby. Who persevered months together to convince the girl and her parents to give him a chance.

Her ringing laughter makes me realize that life does not always happen to be a failed test...sometimes, it is that dream that one gets to live...

Work's worth

That time of the year has come and gone. The time of appraisals/ reviews and all the drama associated with it.

A few years ago, i lived that life. Work was defined by the numbers on the scoreboard. Did i make it, or not? and life was a stress test, that built up from december on..and ended in explosions in early april.

Can't complain, they have not been bad. But the very thought of having to to go through this process was very undesirable! I made it through well, every year, made money, earned increments, but none of them left a smile on my face.

The last 3 years have been different. I work , stretch deadlines, slog to finish work, leave late at times, but never because i was asked to. There is never a score board to fill, nor a target to cross for the incentive. Nothing to stir up the non competitive soul in me. But surprisingly, it works!!

I do it for myself. For my practice and the client who pays money that runs this small firm that i am a part of. I have had no formal appraisal/ review in 3 years. Everyone knows what each of us do. Excel sheets need not be filed to proclaim what is already known.

In an exceptionally bad year that we left behind us, we all took a salary cut without a wink. And did not brood over it for even a minute. There were extreme lows for a small firm like us , but we sailed through. There were times when morale was low, some of out senior talent left us, and we were ready to kill people.

But then, all this is forgotten, when the person that matters , she of very few words, sits next to you on a beach, and says " You did great, and not just today. All through last year. Thank you for having faith".

For me, that was my appraisal, and it meant so much more than the data that any excel sheet could ever get out.

Sometimes, one line judges our "work's worth". This one appraisal, made me smile.

Yearly summer musings

Summer is here. In a very, "you cannot ignore me" way. I hate bombay summers. The humidity , the sweat, and the sun that tries to pierce a hole through my skin and get under it. No fun!

I think with age, one's intolerance increases. I do not recollect ever disliking any seasons as a child, summer in particular.

Apart from the fact that it was vacations, there were a lot more associated to summer...

-Waking up in the morning enjoying the last cool breezes before the sun bore down...

- Enjoy that summery smell- hay heating up, and the leaves drying out.

-Shifting with the shadows , sitting guard over the drying vathal/ kondattam's, and blaming the birds for the one's that get eaten in the process..

- expertly catching the mangoes that dad used to drop down from the top most branches.

- Walk 3 km to the river to take a bath. That river, where one has to lie down horizontally to wet the torso.

- Catch fish with towels, put them in horlicks bottles and get them home as pets.

- Bury the poor fishes the next day in a grave dug by all cousins, and decorated them with flowers. Mourn for the fish one day, and get back catching more fish that evening:-)

- Look forward to the day the palm fruits get harvested, chill them, eat them, and catch a cold.

- Feed all visiting cousins tonnes of jackfruit and realize their stomach could not handle it!

- Fight for the space on the cool black floor on a summer afternoon.

- Wind up on the favourite mango tree with a book, and the radio for company. A raw mango with salt and chilli powder on the side. Bliss!

- Compete with mom to make the longest strand of jasmine in the evening...

- Lying down under the clear starry sky and listen to all the elders talking, the dog trying to push us off the cot periodically.

- Tracking the clouds, predicting rains and waiting for them eagerly!

I wonder what happened to summer, my summer? I wonder if anyone anywhere is having so much fun during summer anymore?

I hope someday, my son understands what summer meant to me.

Found my marbles

I think after losing all that sleep and endless worrying, i have found my marbles. I think i'll take things as they come and live with it. No more fretting.

A lot of you wrote to me and said- " it will all work out eventually". I am great believer.

Thank you all:-)

Justifying decisions

Now that her departure has been decided and plans made,

i keep losing sleep over what we will do in the coming days/months

On plan it all sounds very simple...wake up, clockwork. Drop kid at daycare, pick him up in the evening, clockwork, and crash.

That clockwork part, is scaring the shit out of me. With 2 hrs of one way travel everyday, i am wondering if it is a sensible idea at all!

But then, this had to happen, someday or other.

----Another year and V will be six. I'd rather has starts now when he still has friends around at the same place...

----I could be selfish and keep her for another 5 years, health not mattering. But i would have to live with that thought everyday.

----What if she falls ill? I doubt her family / general public at home will take kindly to that fact..

---- I am pulling V from a very comfortable life and forcing him to spend his days with a couple of other kids- much like putting a day schooler into a boarding school.

---Maybe he will finally start eating lunch/ food without coercion, hoping peer pressure would work.

---He will learn to share his space with other kids and co exist. As of now, he is the undisputed king/ owner of all things in his vicinity. Perils of being a single child.

It was a decision waiting to happen and now is when it is happening.

Sometimes, i wonder who am i justifying all this to?

Maybe just myself.