"It is by chance we met . . .

…….By choice we became friends."



Yesterday, when I was speaking to a neighbor, she asked me a question that set off this discussion.

She asked “Why do you let V play with Z all the time, you know it not the wisest thing, there are much smarter kids out there. Maybe you should direct V to be friendlier with them”



Should I ? Why?The child Z in discussion is V’s close friend, have a fantastic set of parents who adore him, is very good looking and has a temperament to die for. His shortcoming? ----At 5 years of age, he still does not speak coherently.

So? It’s just a matter of time.



I see V and him playing, cycling around, sometimes in a gang, sometimes on their own, and V keeps chatting…Z actually picks up words and talks back to V. He is everything V would like in a good friend. They understand each other, they complement each other….What more can I ask for?So I turned to my neighbour and said “Why should i? They love each other’s company, they stand up for each other, and they understand each other..isn’t that what friends are supposed to be? Are you worried that he not speaking will rub off on V and he will become any less smart than he is now?Maybe Z will learn faster with V around, and maybe Z’s temper will rub off on V..i’d like to look at it that way”.



It is his choice..and I know friends can’t be made. They have to happen….When i was growing up, my parents were not really keen about some of the children i was friendly with in class. No..it had nothing to do with religion, class, gender etc, but another reason i found rather strange then. They weren't smart or good enough!

I remember dad once fleetingly mention that "You'll be better of in school if you are friends with children who do better than you in class, with smarter kids". He i assume, must have thought that some part of their smartness might just rub on me? Maybe. It is a different thing that i never got around actually doing that.



Years later, i wondered why he had said that, and realized that in his social circle at that time, his recognition was directly proportional to his child’s academic/ extra curricular performance and who is your child rubbing shoulders with. And he obviously would have wanted to see that his child- me - did that with the right crowd. Well, the topic died the day i came home and announced my marks in class 10. He was hoping i would do better than his colleague's daughter, the one whose parents sat up all night while she studied for board exams.I did better, out of 5, 49000 students who appeared for the exams, I was ranked 32nd across the state. I was content. He stopped questioning my capabilities, forever.



Back to friends, i moved to stay in a hostel and study, because i got into the college of my choice. In the first year, i was in the dorm with 8 others, and all of us were stars in class.When it came to choosing a roommate for the second year, i just could not figure out anyone i wanted to be with.



I ended up choosing a girl who was not a part of the star gang. And i was very happy. We absolutely loved each other company. She was much grounded. She changed my perspectives about a lot of things in life.



Dr H- if you ever read this, i haven't thanked you enough for that year :-)



Over the years, this is what i have learnt about friends....



-They don't need to be around all the time

- They definitely do not need to be better than you. Having friends from all walks of life is a great leveler. It tells you what you have that you do not appreciate.

- There is never a wrong time to call them.

- When you need them, they are ALWAYS there. At different walks of our life, we have needed help. It was always our friends who stood up for us, and most often, not the same ones.
-----I have lived in with a colleague and her husband for a month when i was in last stages of my pregnancy, and when TB was away. I had known them for 5 months then.
-----I was fed and taken care of by another friend and wife, who had met me about three times before that.
-----One couple who have stood by us through thick and thin for the last few years started out being TB’s bosses.
-----Three of the people I can call as good friends today, were first met as colleagues at my second job.


And no…I did not choose them; I did not ask them to be my friends. They just became. And none of them are rockstars, they are not the smartest t out there in the world- not the most successful. But they are the best for me.



“A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway. -- Fr. Jerome Cummings”

Remembering a little boy with oodles of attitude

I came across an old acquaintance very recently. Someone i was not in regular contact( which is very unusual for me)for about a decade now.

I could not have come at a worse time than now. They were a very typical nuclear family, father, mother and son. The son, who was the world to his parents , lost his life in june in an unfortunate accident. Read about it here. I remember the boy from ten years ago, he used to walk into dad's office with his mom and looks exactly like the dad. And an attitude to die for .

While there are several theories going around about what really happened, there is no denying the pain and loss the parents are going through. I have seen the pain at close quarters, nineteen years ago, on a sunday morning. The date was July 9th , 1989 and it still hurts for all of us. The pain never goes away, especially with the parents. It just starts waning, along with their life.

Being a mother now, i have this urge to just hold onto V and not give him up to the world. Keep him from everything that is not right. Alchohol, drugs, lies, hatred, road rage, jealousy , everything. I know it is impossible and impractical. I also now that as he grows older, he will have a world of his own, his ideas, his views about life, and they may not agree with mine or TB's most of the time. It will be upto him to find his balance, all i can do is point him in the right direction and trust he has the faith and conviction to choose what is right.

While the legal battle is being fought out to find out what really happened, if the boys were under the influence of alchohol, who was responsible, who is to be punished etc, i wish with his parents that he comes back, and make their lives complete. R I P Curran. May God be with you and peace be with your parents.

Today is.....

International Girl Child Day, not another of those innumerous days invented and promoted by greeting card companies. A day to promote very special cause.

I would like to believe that we do not need a day to promote a cause like this, but I am wrong , I know it. In a country where you can still read posters that go” Spend Rs. 600 now and save Rs. 50000 later”- referring to foetal sex determination test and avoidance of dowry in case of a girl child, I call myself fortunate.

Have I been a victim of gender discrimination? I have, though not a deliberate and forced one, it still did exist. My mother is the only girl in a brood of 5 that my grand mom had. When all her grandchildren turned out to be girls, she rooted for the grandson who was born the youngest. And in the process, she made us realize that gender discrimination was a reality in our lives. It would not have made a difference if he was treated especially because he was the youngest; it was always because he was a “boy”.
I still hold the discrimination against her. I guess that my strong feeling for being treated as a ‘girl’ had a lot to do with changing a slightly bewildered 12 year old to someone who stood up for my mother against the elders in out family. I was not a rebel; i was just asserting my identity. And till date, I know I was right in doing that. Mom does too.

I grew up in a generation of girls. 7 on my mother’s side and 8 on my father’s side. Each one of them completely different, capable, independent, successful, and over everything, special in their own way. Between all of us, we have a chemist/ a researcher, two bankers/ two engineers/ one consultant/ an entrepreneur/ a teacher/ and two wonderful women to prioritize family ahead of profession. I am proud, to say the least. Each of them have gone through their share of darkness in life and come out fighting,

Here are the women in my life I adore, love and cherish…

My mother is one of the most resilient women I have ever come across in my life. She was brilliant at maths, and regretted all her life for not having completed her education , and not being able to work. Life happened to her too fast. I was born when she was 21. She reminded me at every opportunity in life that I need to be independent, that I need to stand on my feet before anything else in life. I thrived on that. It was my single motivation at times. Who I am today, is because of her.

My sister is completely different from me, but is regarded by her family and friends as the one they can fall back on, anytime in life. She is gentle, compassionate, and very, very loving. And very good at what she does. She is just not as vocal. She approaches everything in life with meticulous planning. Having her in my life taught me to share, love , be compassionate, and above all, gave me a best friend for life.

TB’s mom and her sisters. They are most strong willed people I have met in my life. The four sisters are fighters, In true sense. They fought against life and each of them today, are retired professionals who came up from the most difficult circumstances in life. Their dad died a very proud man, that much I know. He could not have asked for better children. And I could not thank them enough for TB.

It would be unfair to stop this post if I do not talk about…..

My father, who stood up for me when I needed most- when the family wanted me to be married at 18, he chose to let me go away and study what I wanted to. We always had arguments when I was younger, I now realize (which my mom said long ago!) that it was because I was like him, in all senses. Where I am today in life, is because of him.

TB, the one person who gave me complete freedom in life to be myself, chose what I want to do, and never asked me why? Even when things went horribly wrong. He just stands by and tells me to get up and start again. He did not have an ego problem having a wife who was earning more than him at some point in life. Who has never imposed on me any of his personal interests. Growing up in a joint family with his mom and sisters is a lot of influence on a boy’s life. He respects women in a way that that is very rare.And loves me for the person I am, appearances never mattered to him.
My persona, my strength and individuality today, is because of him.

I know I have drifted considerably from where I started, but….It just seemed the day I needed to thank everyone for making my life so wonderful. I can’t help but feel as a fortunate girl child. There needs to be more of us. And none of those posters.

Birthdays...to or not to?

V had another party to attend yesterday evening. So the dutiful mother frantically rushes back from work, and takes him to the party lest he misses all the fun.......(and the cake, and the return gift)..excuse me, who is this cheapo talking in between??. We do not attend parties for material benefits. I digress, sorry.

Parties get me worked up. I usually find them as a platform to express the family's status quo( i guess that is the right word). The venue, the number of children you invite, the parents dress - not just the childs, the cake design, the event organizers, the games played, the food served all are taken as indications. And of course, the now mandatory return gift. The whole idea scares the hell out of me..

V is three this year, and has had one birthday party( so called) till date. The first two years we felt he was too young to understand the concept..who are we really celebrating for? The parents of course. And our way of celebrating ALWAYS, is family and close friends. So the first year, we had my sister and V's godparents take him out to his ( our) favourite lakeside restaurant and generally fool round.

The highlight of his second birthday was the breakfast we had at the old age home near our place. We did not have any elders staying with us and wanted to share our special day with some one. So we went across to the old age home nearby and asked them if we could have a special breakfast for all the elders there and could we be a part of it? They agreed, and we worked out the menu and cost etc.
On his birthday, we reached the place and sat down with all of them and had our breakfast. The most special moment was when they thanked god for the food for the day and wished V and sang " Happy Birthday". I almost cried. I will never forget seeing 100 elderly people, all above 60 , sing for my son. He was thrilled, he walked around, spoke to them in his own language and must have been kissed by each one of them. One of them, and lady who does not mingle with anyone , kept asking to hold him and he of course was more than willing. Her nurse kept hovering around, she just sat there with him, and when we left, got up and went back without eating a morsel of her food.
PS: Before we moved cities, we again had dinner with the entire old lot. I am not sure who was more happy to see each other. When we told them we were moving away, all of them wished us. We count our blessings!

Then the third birthday. We were in a new city and V wanted a party. By then he knew that party means fun, and was not planning to let go of that. Panic struck!
What do i do? Who all do i call?Cake? gift? Decorations? Chaos!
Having a husband in the service industry works well in such occassions...the cake is always taken care of and impeccable!
We decided to call the few kids that V plays with and we know well enough. And we had my parents visiting. So the party consisted of about 5 kids and their moms( the man species is perennially absent from all these social activities. Hail women, for holding together the slender thread of socializing)- i don't know what i just wrote, please ignore. Decorations by inhouse designers( self / mom / dad), cake by TB, and specific gifts for each of the kids( only 5).
The cake was to die for and the kids rocked. They just took on and gave the party life. Mom's sat around lauding our lives!

So when i walked into this party yesterday, i was hoping i'll find familiar faces, just be my tired haggard self( show me someone who looks good after 12 hours of work and 4 hours of commute- TB does not count).
I was pleasantly surprised..the same gang of mom's , instead of 5 kids, now there are 6 in the group, so six of us..same kids and i felt instantly at home. So we sat and munched on all the yummy, unhealthy party food, while the kids ran around the house supervised by the bithday girls grandmother who took control of the kiddie situation. Good Fun!

Do i like going to birthday parties? Only if i know them well enough to walk in and just be myself.
Do i want to have a birthday party for V next year?..needs some serious thought. I can have his friends over, and let them have some fun, and give me panic attacks.
But i definitely do not want a party done professionally, at a venue, with numerous kids i have no clue who. Not my cuppa tea folks. We'll stick to home parties.