The third eye effect

For some strange reason , all my work life, i have been in roles where i am dealing with two different sets of people.

ALWAYS! It is not as much as actual work that goes on, but being able to keep both sides at bay and not get at each others throats! I think 'it is written'. The worst part of the jobs are when both parties think you belong on their side , where as i know precisely that i do not have the liberty to lean towards either....always the third person.

Across companies, across businesses, this basic fact seems to follow me around. For a good part of next week, i am going to be doing precisely that...be the third person, the observer, the one who influences the final word.

I have no complaints though...just an observation. For someone who is so involved in real life, it struck me as an odd profession..or maybe the best one?

To someone special....

To the one..

Who had the chubbiest cheeks ever as a kid...

Who refused to walk at age five, used to being carried around all the time...

Who cried buckets over not completing homework, while i barely glanced at it.

Who managed to ALWAYS tear pajama bottoms!!

Who ran out of the house when visitors came in...

Who has inherited the accountants genes..

Who i first confided my love to...

Who poked me to death till i told my parents about me and TB...

Who bullied and blackmailed TB , still does...

Who never gives up...

Who constantly fought with mom about our age gap...

Who thinks the world of V, and spoilt him rotten till age two.

Who i miss a lot when i really need to speak to someone , other than TB...

Who finally found her prince charming, and is living her dream.


Happy Birthday little sis, you are, and always be my first kid.

And i miss having you around!

Of 'behaving nice'

What do you call parents who go around exhibiting their kids, at every given opportunity?
What gives people the right to quiz anyone else's kid, without being asked to?

I can't handle either....and 'queen of sarcasm' in me shows up most of the time. Like yesterday, at the pediatric clinic.

There was a couple who came in with a almost two year old, the dad insisting that the kid wish all the people in the room" bhaiya to hello bolo", " aunty ko namaste karo", " switched on some song on the mobile and said "singh is king karo"..etc; and the poor kid wondering what to do. From the looks of it, no one else in that room could figure out the drama too...

Then the dad proceeded to quiz V on his picture identification prowess and another 6 year olf boy of general knowledge"wheredo you stay?where do you study? what all do you study? and such insignificant crap

Mind you, all these to kids who were there because they were- Unwell- and wanted to just curl up to their moms.

I kept up my zen state for a while , counted till 10-25- 50 and turned to the dad and helpfully pointed out that

"maybe he should be more bothered about his offspring's fingers being squished between the doors while he was trying to benchmark other kids educational progress"
" that while his child maybe a born genius, we were not exactly in the mood for a recital"
" that this was a hospital and could he please leave the sick children alone?"

V butted in to make sure all was ok and asked"What happened amma?" I told him " nothing".

The 6 year old helpfully added " You mama is telling uncle how to behave nicely in public". I grinned....that said it all.

About 426

That is the number of muscles i have on the lower half of my body.

After a week on the treadmill, they are all clamouring for attention!!!!

Is restraint a quality for the masses?

I walked into office this morning..and read this article.

Could not help but agree with him. Over the last three months, i have been speaking to people who have been unceremoniusly asked to exit.
People who have been working for the last 20 years, Bright eyed MBA's who had bagged THAT fantastic job a year ago- now no more, That brilliant marketing guy who started a company last year..all of them, at the same door.

And companies that threw out people in masses, are still paying out bonuses to their management, in staggering figures!!

I sense the caution, the despair, the fear of not knowing what is in store for tomorrow...in the voices of people i speak to. And despair, as i have no way of helping them. For now....all of us are happy being able to get up in the morning and have someplace to work at.

Will we be able to spend on a lavish party for your child when half of his parents jobs are under threat?
Will we be able to have a dinner a week outside, in a new restaurant in the locality?
Will we be able to make it to all the sale that the city is being overrun with?
Will we, finally take off on that dream vacation that was long overdue, now with the bargains and all?
That car we have been talking about...can we buy that now?

Can we still afford all that? Thankfully, Yes!

Will we do it? Personally, i do not think so. That is where the article becomes relevant. Understanding the social situation around us and behaving as responsible people is what the hour needs....and i am sure we are not the only one's who think the same way.

And then, we read about the excesses, and wonder if restraint is a quality reserved for the masses??? Living within our means seems to be a middle class sentiment...at least it look like to me.

Sunit writes " sure, it's your money to do as you please, but is this conspicuous spending the right thing to do? Particularly when your armies of employees are working day and night to save their jobs? "

And also adds
"It's a tricky moral argument. Wealth has been flaunted through the ages, with varying degrees of tackiness. Simply put, the businessperson is today's maharaja and his/her shopping list is fodder for society. Indeed, the media has played a leading role in celebrating wealth, however notional. With terms like 'repressed demand', the 'many Indias' and the 'trickle-down effect', the middle class has rationalised the 450 million people living below the poverty line. It's debatable whether displays of wealth in tough times actually shock the poor. Truth be told, it upsets the middle class, more so when the going isn't good."

All we can hope for is that we do not go through a phase of lamenting over a "failed era of excesses".

There is an entire mass of people around us whose going is not so good right now. Maybe we should be considerate to them, thankful for what we still have and learn to appreciate it.

And the strength to tide over, if this ever comes knocking at our door.

All i need now is a pill for self inspiration

I re invent myself, every once in a while. And this does not mean start all over again..it might be something specific that i want to do....something i'd like to change.

Right now it feels like it is time to re invent- myself. No, i am not changing the way i am as a person, it has more to do with my lifestyle.. while i still have not figured out what all will i need to categorize under this...that list is still 'wip'.Given the fact that i have crossed the 30 bridge, and with a family lineage of diabetes and osteoporosis, it definitely includes eating sensibly, and giving my body enough exercise and rest of course.

I thought i should put this down somewhere, given my tendency to forget a lot of things one has to do for self. The stage is set,all that is left is for the mind to take over and execute.

If only it was that easy....

Lets see where this leads..and how much of it gets translated into action.

In anticipation

Of the pink Khadi saree from SRS, in return for half a dozen of pink chaddies sent so lovingly.

Very patient here:-)

My two cents too...

I joined the pink chaddi campaign. To be specific, i joined the facebook group that calls them selves" A Consortium of Pub-going, Loose and Forward Women".

We have never"celebrated" Valentine's day- if you discount the act of buying cards for each other at Fountainhead in circa 1997. And i have not stepped inside a pub in maybe about 6 years now. So what?

I might just decide to go today and Shri Ram Sena can classify me as " loose and forward woman". Add to the fact that most of my best friends are men. MEN! . I am sure Mr. Muthalik will have a problem if i decide to jump with joy and hug my best friends and hold hands with them publicly because they are "men" and of course, holding hands hugging will not be right according to our religious sentiments.

I usually play very safe under such circumstances and slink off..what got me this time was the reaction of the local Ram Sena representative to this article.

"The Sri Ram Sene said the Consortium of Pubgoing, Loose and Forward Women was free to protest any way it thought fit. “It’s a free country after all. However, we would like to know the backgrounds of these people since nobody from good families would resort to such steps which are very cheap,’’ its Bangalore unit president Vasanth Kumar Bhavani said. "

Ahhh...the moral police.

I am off to buy pink chaddies and send them in hoardes to Shri Ram Sena, because " I AM from a good family, I AM educated, I AM a citizen of this country, and it allows me freedom of speech, ( which does not ncessarily translate into freedom of action, as they have mis understood) . I am part of a very well settled, religious family,and i completely believe that beating up women is also" AGAINST INDIAN CULTURE"- oh, did they miss that part while reading up our culture??

THAT , is my background and i stand by the campaign. Just so they know "who resorts to such steps which are very cheap’’-----THEY DO.

Testing my fundamental understandings

We are watching "Jungle Book", maybe for the 5th time. I am answering a trizillion questions in between each scene, now that he is old enough to have doubts.

We reach the part where Mowgli is talking to the vultures..

V: " mama, what is this bird?"
Me: "It's a vulture?. Remember, we saw on TV the other day, after the lions ate the deer, these birds came and ate the rest? They eat dead animals "* feels blissfully happy about imparting this bit of national geographic info to child*
V:" Hmmm...* nods*

After like two minutes,

V: " Amma, i am also vulture"
Me: "Heh!,why?"
V: " I also eat dead animals, na? I eat dead fish & dead chicken. So i am also vulture"
Me: "Ummmm...ehhh...no"* strangely feels he is right, shuts up *

An unsaid fear

Above everything in life is the time spent with loved one's. Nothing can buy that time, nothing can be better than it.
And till it is no longer there, one never knows how much it means to each of us....It is just so easy to take loved one's for granted.

I live in fear that someone i love may have to learn it the hard way, when it may no longer be there.

Murphy's law in my life

When there is family visiting over, there is always a client who will pull up deadlines, and make me work late.

Just when all the family has left and i am done with mopping over the time i could not spend with them, the deadline magically extends!

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When i call the helpline 10 times and finally get through to the agent, they can't register my complaint because the "systems have gone down"

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When the cab driver suggests an alternate route because the regular route is chocablock, the alternate route has just been dug up?

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2nd February, 2005

2.30 AM

I am half conscious, i can't feel anything, and my back is still killing me...my eyes are bloated from crying so long. The nurses are surprised i have not screamed at all though this...

Suddenly they move from the side, between the tears i see a blurred vision. In red saree, wearing gold ornaments, she looks like mahalakshmi from that old calendar. This must be goddess..That vision is stored forever in my memory.
Goddess tells me she had to come and see me, however far she was away and tells me things are not looking too good. She wants to cut open and take the baby out....whatever, i tell her. I can feel the scalpel cutting through, strangely there is no pain.

3.03 AM

She asks me to push, and then there is a huge wave of relief. I know the baby is out. Aren't they supposed to cry. I can't hear anything..i panic. I hear the water turned on , and a loud wail.. the sweetest sound ever heard.

The nurse comes around with baby" it's a boy" she says. I see a glimpse of the red face , and a stubby nose. I reach and kiss the nose. She says she has to take him to the NICU, he is going to be in the incubator for a while....and he is taken away

3.10 AM

The doctor congratulates me, and says she needs to stitch me up. I am is a trance, i ask her if it is going to hurt..she laughs and says" not more than what you went through"..i smile.
They stitch me up, and i listen all about the wedding she was at, in a haze. She tells me she is done, after 23 stitches, and asks me to rest...I want chai, they get me chai, and i fall asleep on the gynec table. They let me sleep.

6.30 AM
I wake up, and feel like i was in a dream. The stitches hurt, and the entire night comes back in a moment.
I am shifted to a room. I want to see my baby, i tell them. He is in Neo natal ICU, you can see him at 11.30 AM they say. I count seconds.

My dad comes, and hugs me like there is no tomorrow. Family comes into the room. They have seen baby in the morning...he is very tall, like TB, they tell me. I count seconds

11.30 AM

I have been waiting outside for 15 minutes now. They let me into the visitors room, the nurse comes and takes me inside the ICU. It is yellow all over the place. So many babies. can't amke out which one is ours....The nurse stops right next to an incubator.

V lies there...too tall for the incubator, and lanky..but he looks like the perfect baby that was ever made. I can't hold him. i can only touch his feel and hands. I think i will die..i want to stay there.

The nurse walks me out. I see him the next day.

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V spends 15 days in NICU before he goes home with us. TB saw V for the first time after 3 days after he was born. V battled losing weight & not being able to feed for a full month before he finally got back his act and decided it was time to fight back. He has not stopped...

Happy birthday my son. You have been and will be my best ever gift.

Today you will turn 4. I think i will never ever be able to show you how much i love you. I just don't know how.

1st February, 2005

7.00 AM
Why do i always wake up on time, when i have nothing much to do but sleep in? Makes for a good case study?

8.30 AM
Adai and Coconut chutney should be higher up on the food pedestral. Especially when it is lovingly made by amma and served directly onto the plate. Damn tummy does not allow more than two at a time.

I am so having a second helping in another two hours.

10.30 AM
Second day of holidays and i am slightly bored?have i turned into a workaholic. I picked up all the old magazines and clean up the living room, like always.

11. 00 AM
Missing my mom! for the first time in maybe 12 years?, i call her up to say i miss her and want to see her.

They were to come down on my star birthday 4 days later anyway...Mom was very apologetic saying they cannot come earlier. Should not have called her,. now she is going to feel bad the whole day. Stupid me!

11.30 AM
" Avial arrives"

11.45 AM
Go to kitchen and get a plate with adai and avial, for the second round.Finish , dump plate in sink and plan to settle down.

12.00 PM
Mom is off to take a bath. Youngest aunt comes over to give me company and watch over while she is off.

12.05 PM
Get up to take a magazine , see a small puddle forming on the floor....oh god, incontinence? at this age. Too embarassing, call out to aunt!

Puddle becomes a gush, and it is water, or something like that..it does not stop. Don't know what to do...

Aunt knocks on bathroom door, mom comes out, i go in and wait for this thing to stop. It does not...mom panicks, calls elder aunt. She comes over.

Gush becomes trickle, i can now walk...aunt says lets go to the doctor now, but i want to change, i will not go to doctor in this dress. My room is upstairs..younger aunt comes along to help.

12.20 PM
Come down to find amma and valiamma all ready to leave. Amma is calling achan who has just left to buy something. his phone is ringing, he does not pick up. I tell amma " He has not atken the phone, it is ringing inside his cupboard"

Amma and valiamma, step out to get a taxi, achan walks in. They kill him with their looks. He quietly takes car key and they get me in the car.

12.35 PM
Walk into hospital where i was to meet the doctor on 5th. The doctor is on leave today, go to the labour room, they tell us.

12.40 PM
Walk into the labour room, this place must be hell! At least it sounds like. There are at least 5 women in various stages of labour screaming bloody murder. Wish the doctor would examine me quickly so i can go home and be at peace. Looks like i am going to spend the rest of my holidays in bed...not nice

12.50 PM
Doctor has heard all amma and aunts have to say, she asks me to undress, and wear the hospital gown. I lie down, my tummy is not round anymore, and i can see the baby's outline . God, this is scary.

The doctor checks all my vitals, and wants to check baby's heartbeat. They connect something to my tummy and ask me to count the number of times baby kicks..i can't. I keep losing track. I tell her i can't. She gets a nurse to check.

Why can't she finish with me..i want to go home.

She calls amma and tells her they will have to induce labour. I have lost all fluid, there is no way i can have c-sec, so they have to give medicines and saline.

I don't tink i am ready for this yet..why now? Will the baby be ready to come out. I demand to see the doctor and ask her about the chances of baby , if the labour goes through. She asks me to pray. This cannot be happening...not to us.

1.30 PM- 5.00 PM
4 saline bottles and no sign of anyting yet. I just saw two women come in, deliver and go...there is another girl in the next bed, who has come in with a false alarm. She is asked to go back.

I too want to go home..i am not ready to have this baby yet.

5.30 PM
See amma and aunt. They have been sitting right outside, she tells me my mom and dad are on their way.

8.00 PM
Everyone except me ahve gone out of the labour room..it is just me and two nurses from the night shift...the old back pain creeps up. I call for the nurse. She rubs my back.

9.00 PM
My mom comes inside...i want to cry. She is crying. I want to see dad, but he is not allowed inside. The pain comes in shocks now.........I want TB here, now.

10.00 PM
The pain is unbearable.I am shifted to the gynec's table. The nurses are rubbing my back. I ask them what is happening , they say i ahve not dilated enough..they are waiting.

11.00 PM
I have stopped dilating...the pain is so bad, i have stopped feeling my body from waist down..it is just numb. I am crying, because my back is killing me..i think these nurses are angels, they have been rubbing my back for the last three hours. They tell me they have called teh doctor, but she is at a family function far away. So some other doctor is coming to have a look. Anything..

I lose track of time....

31st January, 2005

Ahh..first day all at home.

Woke up late, was visited by aunts, uncles and cousins. Unpacked the bags and put all my stuff on the shelves. Tickled the doggy's tummy with leg and generally did nothing.

No no..not really. ...

-Made sure i gave the list to each aunt as to what i want made by them.Craving or no craving, this was the opportunity to make the most of it. Tomorrow, valiamma is making my all time favourite "avial".

-Called up and booked time with the doctor for Feb 5th. Wonder what she will have to say. Hopefully whe will be able to give a date i can wait for....and then tell TB to be here in advance.
Not sure they will let him inside the room though. At least he can sit right outside and panic.

Everyone except mom and me went for the after wedding party and came back with more goodies for me:-)

30th January, 2005

Family weddings are never to be missed. The rustle of kancheevaram silks, the smell of incense and crushed jasmine flowers and the sheer pleasure of catching up with relatives makes every wedding fun.

And of course, the sadya. Hmm..i must have gorged on the avial and payasam. And caught up of some sleep tooo...having the wedding at a house has its advantages.
Me and valiamma, exchanged all the gossip with the bride, as we rested after a heavy lunch.....

When all the guests has left, and the bride and groom had settled for the day, we went home. And to think that i would have missed all this by staying back...aaaghhh!

Now, officially i can start my leave/ holiday/ rest..whatever. I hereby resolve to be lazy for the next month, and do nothing.

Looking forward to having amma and achan come over this weekend , and missing TB:-(

29th January, 2005

Home, with loved one's. Missing TB. Never been home without him in the last 4 years....called him and mom and dad. They are coming down on my birthday to see me and the " tummy" they had not seen:-)

Everyone planning to leave for the party before R Aunty's wedding tomorrow. Decided to go today and see her since tomorrow would be very hectic. So off to their house and party....

Came back late in the day after lots of family gossip, hogging on party food, all the while being treated like a princess. Even managed to get everyone to agree to bring me for the wedding next day. It was at their home anyway..and i could always get some rest if i wanted. All of them decided to indulge the pregnant girl and let her have some fun...

Hmm....being pregnant feels nice.

Tomorrow.......off to the wedding

28th January, 2005

Was my last working day before i went on maternity leave.

Achachan and Achamma had come down to take me to your dad's place. You weren't due for another month and half and i wanted to spend time with both sides of family before you came into our lives. We were to go to your dad's place and stay for two weeks, and all of them wanted to come and drop me at your ammamma's house on Feb 15th. I would spend the next month with them, waiting for you to arrive, soaking up the affection of loved one's, being indulged.

The past few months had been a whirlwind of activities and bought along with it some very unwanted events in our life, and work had been killing. I so needed that break.

Since your dad was far away, mama met up with you achachan and achamma at the hotel they had stayed. The dear friends mama had been staying with insisted on having me dropped, but it was a workday and i would not have them take time off. So off i went in a cab, with my bags in tow.

Achachan and Achamma were so happy to see us. We left and went to the station from where we were to take a train.

By some strange hand of fate, we were booked in a train that none of us had ever travelled in, and it started from a very obscure station. Achachan spent quite some time locating the platform and then figured out that it was going to take a while for the train to arrive , and that there was no place to sit down in the platform.

When the train finally arrived, we could not figure out which was our coach. So achachan left the very pregnant me and the poor soul achamma who could otherwise not walk very comfortably seated and went in search of the right coach. By the time it was figured out and we were settled, achachan was exhausted.

We sat and talked and talked and i told achamma what all i wanted to eat, what all i wanted to do when i was there, and settled for the night.

I closed my eyes, shifted in discomfort in the berth, and dreamt about the days i would do nothing but anticipate your arrival.

just thoughts

--At 9 PM on a winter night, i'd love to sit next to a room heater and sip elachi tea....

instead, i stood under the shower for a full ten minutes and then switched on the fan.

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--Office to train station near home-14 km=19 minutes

Train station to home in auto rickshaw-5km= 58 f*** minutes on a monday evening!!!!!!

I sat and wondered what is still making me stay in this city??, all the while resisting the urge to shoot the next guy who honks , to death.

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--You can't sleep a wink at night when your other half has just managed not to get clobbered by self proclaimed political messiahs.

Politics is now our homegrown terrorism....

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--The other word for people who cannot read or understand instructions are" telecallers".

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-- Everytime i go for a discount sale, all the stuff i want and i like, are never "on sale". Is it just me??
I bought half a fortune worth of books, anyway!

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-- In the age of Ben10 and likes, i still bought books as return gifts for V's birthday. I see myself ending up as the not so popular mom very soon.

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Growing up to be an elder brother.

No....we are not having another kid. At least not that i know of.

But V certainly seems to be growing to like being an elder brother, from what we have been seeing. For the last one week we had his cousin, TB's brothers daughter at home.

She is about two and half years old, is constantly talking and singing, and is a complete character on her own. I had my own apprehensions about how V will react when she is here. Of course, they talk to each other on the phone every week and proclaim love, send kisses and all that stuff, but having her actually play with his toys is a totally different matter altogether.

So they came, and V started out by being the indulgent brother and handed over the cars and the assortment of vehicles he had, and promply hid his new favourite car. She ignored all of that and went for his older soft toys, that had been stowed away to be given off.
Suddenly, all those toys he had not even glanced at in the last two years, became favourites!

Well..., it got better over the days, eventhough we had instances of V telling her " you are not my sister, give my toy back" and she refusing to acknowledge V's" you are my sister na, please give me that toy" about 50 times in a day.

We also had instances of " this is my mom, not your aunt", " this is my uncle, not your dad" through the days.

But overall, it was not as bad as i expected. Both of them, despite being on loggerheads seem to have figured out that their love is here to stay, and these are just temporary issues.
It was worth watching D crawl into the bed with V and try and wake him up. Even better to see two bright and eager faces emerge from the bedroom holding hands, saying " goo mornim" to all and sundry , including the washing machine on the way.

By the time they left yesterday, they had settled well enough to play with each other for hours together, without any intervention from us. V for sure was not keen on letting her go, but he has extracted a surety from us that he goes home with TB's mom, who leaves in another two weeks.

I am so proud that V will make a fantastic elder brother. Like the one i always wanted , but never had. Now all we need is to make sure he has a younger sibling.

Now that, is a debatable issue. For now, he may have to make do with cousins.

I am on the right side...

of 30.

When the clock strikes midnight, i will turn 32.At 32 life is better than ever. I have what i always wanted. Love, life and happiness:-)

By the likes of a conversation i had with a friend last week, i am offically halfway through life...i don't see any scope of surviving beyond 65. Actually 60, but i guess i'll hang on another 5 to make sure i don't lose out on the retirement benefits i have been diligenty paying for.

And as it is the case with most of the years, TB is most likely to forget it is my birthday. I have a bet with myself to see if he remembers.

What it also means is that,

- Officially , i am allowed to retort to the kids( used in context) who comment at random places with "Cut it out buddy, i am twice your age"

I am soo looking forward to that cheap thrill in life.