My story of panchamritham......

Sivaratri is a big celebration back where i grew up..it still is. Only, i haven't been around during the celebrations for over a decade.

The sights, the sounds , the smells...oh ! the smells!

Sneaking into the granary to check if all the ingredients for 'panchamritam' have arrived, waking up on sivarathri mornings to the sounds over all the containers available being washed, mashing the bananas with sugar cane, wearing new dresses, arrival of all relatives.....the pooja, prasad on banana leaves, the fireworks after that.....and the sugar induced coma that sets in post lunch.

I now live with memories!

It was always the one festival that bought the entire extended family tree to our ancestral home...the house , the courtyard would be teeming with people, maybe a hundred relatives, and even more villagers....

The kids always got the messier tasks, collecting flowers, peeling bananas, mashing them, but participate we did. In between running around and sneaking off to play.

The men had the more serious tasks...arranging for the 'poojari', getting the pachamritam ready before the start of thew pooja, making sure the "kathina vedi"- barrel crackers , and planted safe and away from the crowd, while amma and ammamma made sure these were enough vessels to give away panchamritham to each house hold..of course after giving them a mouthful on not bringing their on containers:-)

We were free to do what we wanted and usually caught up on where we left of the day before, or the week before....playing, running around- till the pooja starts.
Then there is impatience, for the pooja to get over, and get the prasad..." pachamritam" on banana leaves, running in all directions.I always played safe and took one spoon on the leaf..then went and got myself a small bowl and took extra helpings in that...some advantages on being the girl of the house, and of staying in the 'tharavadu'.

Then we would all find a safe spot from the scorching sun stand and watch/ listen to the fireworks...it was always the youngest uncle who used to be in charge- i think he got a kick out of getting louder and scarier crackers every year....

My mom hated what came after this. The panchamritam, sittting in a huge vessle, had to divided between the various households as per their contribution, and number of members at home.
Logistical nightmare...and a very bad house keeping nightmare come true.
Pachamritham, is one tricky matter...like a mixture of custard and honey- sticky in parts, runny in some, stains like crazy and ants love it.

After all that is over, there would still be about 20 ltrs of the stuff left, that goes to the immediate family, and gets stored , to be sent away to....chez moi now, TB's house, Our BIL's house maybe this year..all relatives, who may come visiting in the next two months, or who may get visited in the same time span.
That leaves about 10 ltrs, which we ate in bulk...and passed out in sugar induced coma..for the remainder of the day.

oops! no sleep...there was still the whole night movie at the temple compound. All stories of god played out on the makeshift screen, while the entire village stayed awake with Lord Shiva. At some stage in life, we out grew this and stuck to watching the same stuff, but staying at home.

Sivarathri now, is another day ay office, trying to figure out how to keep V busy at home, missing the celebrations and calling up home to maybe catch some long distance sounds of the celebrations. And of course reminding amma to bring us( TB) a large horlicks bottle full of panchamritam on her next trip.

Life is all about living in anticipation , right? and my expectations are pretty simple. A bottle of home made panchamritam, make me delirously happy!

2nd February, 2005

2.30 AM

I am half conscious, i can't feel anything, and my back is still killing me...my eyes are bloated from crying so long. The nurses are surprised i have not screamed at all though this...

Suddenly they move from the side, between the tears i see a blurred vision. In red saree, wearing gold ornaments, she looks like mahalakshmi from that old calendar. This must be goddess..That vision is stored forever in my memory.
Goddess tells me she had to come and see me, however far she was away and tells me things are not looking too good. She wants to cut open and take the baby out....whatever, i tell her. I can feel the scalpel cutting through, strangely there is no pain.

3.03 AM

She asks me to push, and then there is a huge wave of relief. I know the baby is out. Aren't they supposed to cry. I can't hear anything..i panic. I hear the water turned on , and a loud wail.. the sweetest sound ever heard.

The nurse comes around with baby" it's a boy" she says. I see a glimpse of the red face , and a stubby nose. I reach and kiss the nose. She says she has to take him to the NICU, he is going to be in the incubator for a while....and he is taken away

3.10 AM

The doctor congratulates me, and says she needs to stitch me up. I am is a trance, i ask her if it is going to hurt..she laughs and says" not more than what you went through"..i smile.
They stitch me up, and i listen all about the wedding she was at, in a haze. She tells me she is done, after 23 stitches, and asks me to rest...I want chai, they get me chai, and i fall asleep on the gynec table. They let me sleep.

6.30 AM
I wake up, and feel like i was in a dream. The stitches hurt, and the entire night comes back in a moment.
I am shifted to a room. I want to see my baby, i tell them. He is in Neo natal ICU, you can see him at 11.30 AM they say. I count seconds.

My dad comes, and hugs me like there is no tomorrow. Family comes into the room. They have seen baby in the morning...he is very tall, like TB, they tell me. I count seconds

11.30 AM

I have been waiting outside for 15 minutes now. They let me into the visitors room, the nurse comes and takes me inside the ICU. It is yellow all over the place. So many babies. can't amke out which one is ours....The nurse stops right next to an incubator.

V lies there...too tall for the incubator, and lanky..but he looks like the perfect baby that was ever made. I can't hold him. i can only touch his feel and hands. I think i will die..i want to stay there.

The nurse walks me out. I see him the next day.

*****************************************************************************

V spends 15 days in NICU before he goes home with us. TB saw V for the first time after 3 days after he was born. V battled losing weight & not being able to feed for a full month before he finally got back his act and decided it was time to fight back. He has not stopped...

Happy birthday my son. You have been and will be my best ever gift.

Today you will turn 4. I think i will never ever be able to show you how much i love you. I just don't know how.

1st February, 2005

7.00 AM
Why do i always wake up on time, when i have nothing much to do but sleep in? Makes for a good case study?

8.30 AM
Adai and Coconut chutney should be higher up on the food pedestral. Especially when it is lovingly made by amma and served directly onto the plate. Damn tummy does not allow more than two at a time.

I am so having a second helping in another two hours.

10.30 AM
Second day of holidays and i am slightly bored?have i turned into a workaholic. I picked up all the old magazines and clean up the living room, like always.

11. 00 AM
Missing my mom! for the first time in maybe 12 years?, i call her up to say i miss her and want to see her.

They were to come down on my star birthday 4 days later anyway...Mom was very apologetic saying they cannot come earlier. Should not have called her,. now she is going to feel bad the whole day. Stupid me!

11.30 AM
" Avial arrives"

11.45 AM
Go to kitchen and get a plate with adai and avial, for the second round.Finish , dump plate in sink and plan to settle down.

12.00 PM
Mom is off to take a bath. Youngest aunt comes over to give me company and watch over while she is off.

12.05 PM
Get up to take a magazine , see a small puddle forming on the floor....oh god, incontinence? at this age. Too embarassing, call out to aunt!

Puddle becomes a gush, and it is water, or something like that..it does not stop. Don't know what to do...

Aunt knocks on bathroom door, mom comes out, i go in and wait for this thing to stop. It does not...mom panicks, calls elder aunt. She comes over.

Gush becomes trickle, i can now walk...aunt says lets go to the doctor now, but i want to change, i will not go to doctor in this dress. My room is upstairs..younger aunt comes along to help.

12.20 PM
Come down to find amma and valiamma all ready to leave. Amma is calling achan who has just left to buy something. his phone is ringing, he does not pick up. I tell amma " He has not atken the phone, it is ringing inside his cupboard"

Amma and valiamma, step out to get a taxi, achan walks in. They kill him with their looks. He quietly takes car key and they get me in the car.

12.35 PM
Walk into hospital where i was to meet the doctor on 5th. The doctor is on leave today, go to the labour room, they tell us.

12.40 PM
Walk into the labour room, this place must be hell! At least it sounds like. There are at least 5 women in various stages of labour screaming bloody murder. Wish the doctor would examine me quickly so i can go home and be at peace. Looks like i am going to spend the rest of my holidays in bed...not nice

12.50 PM
Doctor has heard all amma and aunts have to say, she asks me to undress, and wear the hospital gown. I lie down, my tummy is not round anymore, and i can see the baby's outline . God, this is scary.

The doctor checks all my vitals, and wants to check baby's heartbeat. They connect something to my tummy and ask me to count the number of times baby kicks..i can't. I keep losing track. I tell her i can't. She gets a nurse to check.

Why can't she finish with me..i want to go home.

She calls amma and tells her they will have to induce labour. I have lost all fluid, there is no way i can have c-sec, so they have to give medicines and saline.

I don't tink i am ready for this yet..why now? Will the baby be ready to come out. I demand to see the doctor and ask her about the chances of baby , if the labour goes through. She asks me to pray. This cannot be happening...not to us.

1.30 PM- 5.00 PM
4 saline bottles and no sign of anyting yet. I just saw two women come in, deliver and go...there is another girl in the next bed, who has come in with a false alarm. She is asked to go back.

I too want to go home..i am not ready to have this baby yet.

5.30 PM
See amma and aunt. They have been sitting right outside, she tells me my mom and dad are on their way.

8.00 PM
Everyone except me ahve gone out of the labour room..it is just me and two nurses from the night shift...the old back pain creeps up. I call for the nurse. She rubs my back.

9.00 PM
My mom comes inside...i want to cry. She is crying. I want to see dad, but he is not allowed inside. The pain comes in shocks now.........I want TB here, now.

10.00 PM
The pain is unbearable.I am shifted to the gynec's table. The nurses are rubbing my back. I ask them what is happening , they say i ahve not dilated enough..they are waiting.

11.00 PM
I have stopped dilating...the pain is so bad, i have stopped feeling my body from waist down..it is just numb. I am crying, because my back is killing me..i think these nurses are angels, they have been rubbing my back for the last three hours. They tell me they have called teh doctor, but she is at a family function far away. So some other doctor is coming to have a look. Anything..

I lose track of time....

31st January, 2005

Ahh..first day all at home.

Woke up late, was visited by aunts, uncles and cousins. Unpacked the bags and put all my stuff on the shelves. Tickled the doggy's tummy with leg and generally did nothing.

No no..not really. ...

-Made sure i gave the list to each aunt as to what i want made by them.Craving or no craving, this was the opportunity to make the most of it. Tomorrow, valiamma is making my all time favourite "avial".

-Called up and booked time with the doctor for Feb 5th. Wonder what she will have to say. Hopefully whe will be able to give a date i can wait for....and then tell TB to be here in advance.
Not sure they will let him inside the room though. At least he can sit right outside and panic.

Everyone except mom and me went for the after wedding party and came back with more goodies for me:-)

30th January, 2005

Family weddings are never to be missed. The rustle of kancheevaram silks, the smell of incense and crushed jasmine flowers and the sheer pleasure of catching up with relatives makes every wedding fun.

And of course, the sadya. Hmm..i must have gorged on the avial and payasam. And caught up of some sleep tooo...having the wedding at a house has its advantages.
Me and valiamma, exchanged all the gossip with the bride, as we rested after a heavy lunch.....

When all the guests has left, and the bride and groom had settled for the day, we went home. And to think that i would have missed all this by staying back...aaaghhh!

Now, officially i can start my leave/ holiday/ rest..whatever. I hereby resolve to be lazy for the next month, and do nothing.

Looking forward to having amma and achan come over this weekend , and missing TB:-(

29th January, 2005

Home, with loved one's. Missing TB. Never been home without him in the last 4 years....called him and mom and dad. They are coming down on my birthday to see me and the " tummy" they had not seen:-)

Everyone planning to leave for the party before R Aunty's wedding tomorrow. Decided to go today and see her since tomorrow would be very hectic. So off to their house and party....

Came back late in the day after lots of family gossip, hogging on party food, all the while being treated like a princess. Even managed to get everyone to agree to bring me for the wedding next day. It was at their home anyway..and i could always get some rest if i wanted. All of them decided to indulge the pregnant girl and let her have some fun...

Hmm....being pregnant feels nice.

Tomorrow.......off to the wedding

28th January, 2005

Was my last working day before i went on maternity leave.

Achachan and Achamma had come down to take me to your dad's place. You weren't due for another month and half and i wanted to spend time with both sides of family before you came into our lives. We were to go to your dad's place and stay for two weeks, and all of them wanted to come and drop me at your ammamma's house on Feb 15th. I would spend the next month with them, waiting for you to arrive, soaking up the affection of loved one's, being indulged.

The past few months had been a whirlwind of activities and bought along with it some very unwanted events in our life, and work had been killing. I so needed that break.

Since your dad was far away, mama met up with you achachan and achamma at the hotel they had stayed. The dear friends mama had been staying with insisted on having me dropped, but it was a workday and i would not have them take time off. So off i went in a cab, with my bags in tow.

Achachan and Achamma were so happy to see us. We left and went to the station from where we were to take a train.

By some strange hand of fate, we were booked in a train that none of us had ever travelled in, and it started from a very obscure station. Achachan spent quite some time locating the platform and then figured out that it was going to take a while for the train to arrive , and that there was no place to sit down in the platform.

When the train finally arrived, we could not figure out which was our coach. So achachan left the very pregnant me and the poor soul achamma who could otherwise not walk very comfortably seated and went in search of the right coach. By the time it was figured out and we were settled, achachan was exhausted.

We sat and talked and talked and i told achamma what all i wanted to eat, what all i wanted to do when i was there, and settled for the night.

I closed my eyes, shifted in discomfort in the berth, and dreamt about the days i would do nothing but anticipate your arrival.