Murphy's law in my life

When there is family visiting over, there is always a client who will pull up deadlines, and make me work late.

Just when all the family has left and i am done with mopping over the time i could not spend with them, the deadline magically extends!

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When i call the helpline 10 times and finally get through to the agent, they can't register my complaint because the "systems have gone down"

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When the cab driver suggests an alternate route because the regular route is chocablock, the alternate route has just been dug up?

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And so we celebrate..at office

I work a very small office. Small, in the number of employees there are. Considering that in my first job, i was one among 350 employees and in the second one, i was one in some 10, 000 odd, the current figure of 14 is sounding very miniscule.

That means there are no material perks, i can't throw around the " Oh , i am an employee of xxx, so please make sure you put that corporate discount in the bill" line anymore.I do not get vouchers for anniversaries that i forget to reedem till December 30th, when they read " valid till Dec 31st", and then i run off and buy some crap to make use of it.

But here, what i do have is a bunch of colleagues, who are a like a family in itself. All of us know a lot about each other, way too much may be :-)*wink*
I am the last entrant into the team, the rest have been around for ever, i think. I can work peacefully, without being paranoid that the colleague in the next cubicle is scheming to get me ousted( which was the case last time around, there was always some one after my job) First the stress of having a job, then the stress of managing to keep it..too much.
Well, no more.

In the office, we celebrate everything that fancies us....diwali, onam, ganesh chathurthi, eid, india winning a match, completion of 1 year( mine, mine), completion of 8 years, 15 years( yeah, that how long some of them have been around), buying a house, selling a house, a project well completed...anything. All we need is reason to order food and keep at it.

PS: I have figured out that as long as i am here, i will never lose weight. There is someone ordering something to eat , all thought the day, all days of the week. And very lovingly , it is bought is excess to share will everyone.

Today we had our christmas party(if you insist on calling it by a name- for us it is JUST another opportunity to eat:-)). Topped with some gift exchange. The gifts are numbered and picked in random, and they cannot exceed 100 rs.

So here are some pics of the party food( which is the focus of the party BTW)

Those chutney sandwiches and the delectable dip and some of the cakes are home made. Wow!

Our small tree with the gifts around it.


There was carols playing in the background and it is christmas time again. Now all we need is winter( probable) & some snow( in my dreams).

On a side note, i DO need to check the carols CD that was playing. Since when did " Last Christmas" become a carol?!!

Ciao, till we find another excuse to gorge.

If only i could...

8.15 AM- ten minutes to schoolbus

V is having a standoff- holding onto his clothes , insists on being dressed by TB who is in the bathroom, right in the middle of shaving.

Me, almost ready, barks at him from the bedroom that he can stay back if he does not allow to be dressed NOW.



8.17 AM

Me, dressed, steps out and sees V , still holding on to dress, braving tears.

Sits down and gets him dressed. He hugs and does not let go. Gets him dressed, tell him he needs to sleep in the afternoon , else he will be cranky in morning.

V nods, looks up and says "Amma House'l irikko?"- " Will you stay at home ?".
*Gathers up self* " Why kanna?"

" Kannunt'e koode irikko?"- "Will you stay with me?"
* fumbles*" Of course i will..but i have to be at office, i promise i will come soon, then we will......"

TB comes in time,takes V's shoes from my hand and saves me from the disgace of weeping before i leave for work.But.....


In my head, i am perennially questioning my decision to stay a working mom....

-When i realize my baby is growing up , and i am missing seeing him do that.
-Those few moments when before i sleep, realizing i have not hugged or kissed V as much as i wanted.
- When i realize that TB and me have not had a decent conversation in days.
- When we are so tired, we crash on both sides of the bed like strangers...
- When i want to make something special and realize it will have to wait for the weekend. Three hours of commute is. no.fun
- when i have not called family in days because it was past their bedtime when i wrapped up my day.

I enjoy my work, and it was a conscious decision to get back to work after 3 months of having V. We had an option of moving to two different cities then. TB had an offer from a very large company , but the posting was at a remote location. The other offer was from a not so big organization, but it was a bigger city, and i had the option of taking a transfer there.

I was very big on continuing to work so off we went with option 2.

Of late, we have made some significant investments in life..and the first thing TB said was, "now we need your income more than ever". We have never compromised on life- till now, the going has been good. We have EMI's , bill's and now, V's schooling. Additional income is very very welcome. I do not make a great deal, but it counts.

When V was smaller, it was emotionally manageable.I guess it was also because i had my sis living in with us. She was my support system. Now that he is almost four, and we are on our own, i miss being with him more than he does i guess. It is more like a realization that very soon, he may not need me around. And i will be left with a sense of deprivation, of not having been around as much as i wanted to be.

Everytime he turns difficult, i end up questioning my parenting skills. Am i not doing something right? I read a lot of other mom's a feel better that it is not just me. Still does not help that wave of guilt that washes through, more often now than ever.

I hope that TB gets a job somewhere far away, in some other part of the world. Then i will have the perfect excuse to quit and stay at home with V and TB. I can't think of any other excuse to quit working now.

But i SO want to be at home when V returns from school, do things with him. I SO want to feel a little more energetic when TB is back, so i have enough time to just snuggle up. Have time to talk to him about anything other that reminding him to finish this work, pick up this stuff etc.

What i would not give for that day!

Back from Goa

The hardest part of having a weekend all by oneself is the fact that you end up feeling guilty leaving your loved one's behind. Does that thought occur only to me, or...
Anyway..i am getting over it. Trip by trip. Over the last few trips, my level of guilt has been diminishing, so much that i actually enjoyed this one. And missed the calls from loved ones(Aaarghhh..lets leave out the not so nice feeling).
Goa was fun!!!there is no other word . It was a great experience to meet like minded( read- mad, completely bonkers) people from other side of the globe. Even better when they turn out as crazy as the team you work with. Total fun!.So much that the lady from press , who was covering the event, left saying she felt deprived not being a part of out team.
The theme night i was organizing went off well, we were truly demented grown up kids and exhibited all possible levels of kiddie behavior.It was hilarious.
I am relieved, and quite thrilled with the way things went.
I also found time for some spectacular sunsets on the beach, margharitas, a bit of old goa, port wine and bebinca and made loads of friends. Loved it!!

And here are some of the sights that i loved.

5.30AM moonset at the beach

Loved this bridge

Sunset at the beach

Swaying palms, gentle breeze, perfect vacation( but no loved one's nearby)

Basilica of Bom Jesus

Shaken up..totally!

Its been a crazy week!Remember me " shaking up myself" post earlier? Things really shook up after that.
Work became madness when the client, who we were to revert in another two weeks wanted to see the work next week. And next week, we are off for our global meet, which is being done by the India team( your's truly included!) at Goa. GOA!!! Never been there before. Looking forward to it.
Anyways, so that was one, and then all the Ganesha Mandal's in Mumbai decided they cannot stick to prescribed dates of immersion and invaded the streets like mad. I am partially deaf now thanks to the blaring music from the processions and the crackers on the road.
Have been reaching home at 9 pm for the last three days( later actually...nine just sounds a more decent time. Some stage in life TB's relatives are bound to read this and faint. So just keeping it mild).
Activities for these days included one missed birthday made up by going to the kids house and wishing him at 10 PM(Note to self- always have extra presents and wrapping paper at hand. Not all parents plan well to invite well in advance), early morning "pookkalam" for the last three days( including running around to buy flowers in different colours, from different places)... i am drained!!
And its not over yet!I have some work over the weekend for the global meet. And some planning and packing for the trip.
I badly need that Goa holiday. Maybe i could slink away and actually make use of the holiday, sleep on the beaches of goa. Ooops! Organizers of the meet don't get such priviledges, do they?They are supposed to work their a** off and make sure others have fun. wth!.
Guess i'll have to be happy with the weekend( or whatever will be left of it!)

PS: Did i forget to mention that we have postponed the 17 course " Onam Sadya" to sunday? Thats it!If there are no more posts on this blog, just be assured i died of sheer exhaustion over the weekend!

Just need that push!

What does one do when he/ she knows what their weakness is? What does one do when you know your weakness is taking over your life.

In my case, nothing. I just sit and wait, and regret. And this has been going on for as long as i remember. And my sin- COMPLACENCY!!!

Dictionary defines complacency as " a feeling of quiet pleasure or security, often while unaware of some potential danger, defect, or the like; self-satisfaction or smug satisfaction with an existing situation, condition, etc. ".The only difference is that i am fully aware of the consequences and potential dangers. I just don't feel like reacting.

Over the years , i have realized something, i work best under pressure. Gimme loads of work and no time and i end up completing them, feeling a great sense of satisfaction . It is madness while it lasts, but the results are always worth it. I have moved from a role that thrust me into madness very often to a role that is quite laid back about a year ago.
I seem to be unable to get used to having ample time in hand...i just slip into complacency. I have work to do....deadlines to meet, targets to be met. But there is just so much time, it always gets put away. It's getting out of hand, i know it! Just need a jolt to shake me up.

Maybe i should go back to practising meditation again( that stuff i regularly did till about 8 years ago). The worst part is when this complacent phase is over and i realize how much i could have done in this time! It is times like this that i hate my guts....Its about time i saved myself some misery and rebound.

Starting NOW!!!

Questions..

"Where do you see yourselves five years from now?"...sounds familiar?? I hear that a lot, and i also hear a lot of " here's where i see myself in the next five years....."
I can put down a wide variety of responses...

1. Heading the division( if i am still here)
2. Contributing to the overall organization( ..if i am still here)
3. Taking your job(..if i am still here)
4. Creating new synergies ( aarghh!..actually heard this one. Synergy, Here? Where?)
5. Strategizing to overthrow the management around here and position myself as the next successor( he he..yet to hear this one)

Totally..cliche`

Wonder why no one ever asked me that question? I have been for exactly two interviews in my life and never got an opportunity to deal with this question(none of those interviewers have any idea what they missed- my response could have been the next big thing in global harmony!)
So where exactly do i see myself in five years?

Workwise..exactly the same as i do today..i have said that before, i am not ambitious. I just like to do what makes me happy..Right now i am happy.
I sure do some of the things i would like to do/ see happen over the next ten years though...five is too short. I'll stick to ten.

1. Quit working full time( hope my boss does not read this!..and yes i intend to be here for the next ten years)
2. Have another kid...( and prefereably a girl-i think secretly TB was hoping we'll have a girl when i was expecting V). So this should be his chance to get fair.
3. Move out of city and live in a farm( this one's going to take some more time i guess- but it is what i want to do more than anything else)
4. Grow an organic farm- i have no idea if i have green fingers, but there is nothing more satisfying that seeing your garden grow..i think could do it for ever.
5. Have a house that we can stay in at the farm...one where mom and dad can stay with us, and TB's mom and dad and aunt too can stay with us...i am not asking for too much, or am i?
6.See V grow up to be a good human being. I don't care if he does not get the best grades in class or be in the top three..if he can be a good human being, that is all that matters.
7. Have TB come home by nine PM. We need him as much as his work does..actually more. We're going to be around him longer than work..

I digress..and hit a mental block. So i quit thinking and get back to work.

Working Mom

Today V woke up while i was sneaking him a goodbye kiss before rushing off....since we have got back from the holiday, he sleeps till he pleases....I promptly pulled the covers around him and told him to go back to sleep. But no!today he decides we has to wake up and mama should hold him.

There i was ..torn between holding him for a while and missing the 9.00 AM local. It is at moments like this that i am forced to re examine my decision to be a working mom...which i did on the way to station.

Well..i did hold him for a while and told him that he can have me all to himself for the next two days and make plans for what we could do....finally he decided i better get going and said.."mama bye, go to office",so i ran.



Below is the transcript of the conversations between my ego and alter ego on the way to the station....

E: Maybe i should resign and stay at home like most of my friends now....

E: It would be wonderful to be at home and spend quality time with V. i can actually get down to doing some real cooking and make what TB and V likes.

E: I could start doing that embroidering lessons that i have always wanted to do...find a music teacher for V , take him swimming, and maybe actually start exercising ( highly required).

E: I will not even need a full time maid!I can maybe redo the house, and turn it around to those near perfect houses in magazines...

AE: Well, what happens to the finances???

E: Hmmm...maybe i can start consulting form home..Once we are more stable..then maybe i could quit.

E: Maybe i could do this when we plan our next kid( five year plan as of now). That sounds good...i have never been much of a career woman anyway. Happy with what is there right now..never imagined myself in the corridors of power, in any organization.

AE: Are you ready to give up your friends, colleagues, your clients..bosses..the pleasure of accomplishing a task and be appreciated for that??

AE: Think of the recognition that your work brings you....are you ready to give up that identity and be happy as a homemaker and a mom?

E: Not sure!

AE: What happens when V grows up? has friends of his own and does not need you around all the time? Will you still feel the same way or want to get back to working?

E: Maybe i will want to..and i would not know where to look at.

AE: So you still want to quit?

E:I can see the glee on V's face when i tell him i do not have office today..i could quit for just once of those smiles...

AE: Is this about quitting or is this guilt for not being able to spend time with V?

E: I guess it is guilt.

AE: Plan your day better...make time for him. It is more about what you do when you are with him rather that how long you are with him.Right now, it could be better.

E: Yeah...maybe your'e right...



Station arrives, and lo behold! the 9.00 AM local is just lugging in...The debate is over for now, and i am still a guilt ridden , very independent, working mom again. Love you V!!