What love does...

Last night....

TB was coming in late. So we killed time by reading Dr Seuss's Books, drew on dotted lines, coloured parrots , and sketched about a tonne fish.

With my calf muscles killing me, i told V i want to lie down, can we please go sleep? He agreed, so we read the bubbles book in bed and settled. The pain was not going away and it must have shown on my face.

V quite did not like the look of it. He said" smile amma", i managed a weak one. Ten minutes later, he said" amma, i am hungry".

I almost fell out of my bed! my son, the food hater, is hungry!!!???I told him to stop joking and go to sleep. He said " No, i want idli"
We had mini idlis and sambhar for dinner and i had kept some for TB. I checked again, he said yes. I threatened him with dire consequences if i wake up and give him some and he does not eat all.

He still wanted idly. I gave up, went to the kitchen and got him idly..he wanted six of them, with jam. And his glass of water.

He took his plate, went to the dining table, got his cushion and sat down. I was ready to faint..he.is.sitting. at. dining. table, without a fight.

I read my book on the next chair, glancing sideways to catch him unwillingly stuff his mouth with the food , wondering what on earth??Why was he eating without wanting it??He finished all six idlis, had the water and tapped on my hand. I looked up, and he said.....

"Amma, now smile. I sat on the dining table, ate all my food, did not play with my car in between. I am good boy. You always smile when i finish all my food"

I think i cried. What did i do to deserve him?

Real life anecdotes...

i am learning from experience that sharing real life stories with almost 4 year olds are maybe not such a good idea...

...esp if they are about how the 4 year old's mom had an accident and broke her palm.

Every time she steps out now, he warns her not to travel by scooter, and to watch out for that car which comes from behind.

How do i undo this doing of mine?

just thoughts

--At 9 PM on a winter night, i'd love to sit next to a room heater and sip elachi tea....

instead, i stood under the shower for a full ten minutes and then switched on the fan.

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--Office to train station near home-14 km=19 minutes

Train station to home in auto rickshaw-5km= 58 f*** minutes on a monday evening!!!!!!

I sat and wondered what is still making me stay in this city??, all the while resisting the urge to shoot the next guy who honks , to death.

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--You can't sleep a wink at night when your other half has just managed not to get clobbered by self proclaimed political messiahs.

Politics is now our homegrown terrorism....

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--The other word for people who cannot read or understand instructions are" telecallers".

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-- Everytime i go for a discount sale, all the stuff i want and i like, are never "on sale". Is it just me??
I bought half a fortune worth of books, anyway!

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-- In the age of Ben10 and likes, i still bought books as return gifts for V's birthday. I see myself ending up as the not so popular mom very soon.

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Saturday , Sunday & Monday

Saturday

is the day V and me with his friend and mom watched Madagascar 2. BIG cinemas ran out of caramel popcorn for the day after that. After-effects of movie include a hidesign bag still holding remnants of caramel popcorn and a big dent in bank balance. Snack counters should be banned in movie theatres. Period.

Sunday

is the day V got himself a 101 Dalmations bedcover set. He also lovingly offered me the cheeseless garlic bread from Pizza Hut after eating off the cheese in one large bite.He also managed to get his butt frozen staying in the swimming pool with TB.I had to towel his butt his back into shape!

Monday

is the day Santa bought gift for V from Crosswords. Santa aka Mom aka Me, bought the red car with remote in anaticipation of wrangling out best behaviour for the next three days.Now plotting action plan to get the best out of " Santa will bring your gift if....."* wicked smile*

Off i go....on a broom

If only i could...

8.15 AM- ten minutes to schoolbus

V is having a standoff- holding onto his clothes , insists on being dressed by TB who is in the bathroom, right in the middle of shaving.

Me, almost ready, barks at him from the bedroom that he can stay back if he does not allow to be dressed NOW.



8.17 AM

Me, dressed, steps out and sees V , still holding on to dress, braving tears.

Sits down and gets him dressed. He hugs and does not let go. Gets him dressed, tell him he needs to sleep in the afternoon , else he will be cranky in morning.

V nods, looks up and says "Amma House'l irikko?"- " Will you stay at home ?".
*Gathers up self* " Why kanna?"

" Kannunt'e koode irikko?"- "Will you stay with me?"
* fumbles*" Of course i will..but i have to be at office, i promise i will come soon, then we will......"

TB comes in time,takes V's shoes from my hand and saves me from the disgace of weeping before i leave for work.But.....


In my head, i am perennially questioning my decision to stay a working mom....

-When i realize my baby is growing up , and i am missing seeing him do that.
-Those few moments when before i sleep, realizing i have not hugged or kissed V as much as i wanted.
- When i realize that TB and me have not had a decent conversation in days.
- When we are so tired, we crash on both sides of the bed like strangers...
- When i want to make something special and realize it will have to wait for the weekend. Three hours of commute is. no.fun
- when i have not called family in days because it was past their bedtime when i wrapped up my day.

I enjoy my work, and it was a conscious decision to get back to work after 3 months of having V. We had an option of moving to two different cities then. TB had an offer from a very large company , but the posting was at a remote location. The other offer was from a not so big organization, but it was a bigger city, and i had the option of taking a transfer there.

I was very big on continuing to work so off we went with option 2.

Of late, we have made some significant investments in life..and the first thing TB said was, "now we need your income more than ever". We have never compromised on life- till now, the going has been good. We have EMI's , bill's and now, V's schooling. Additional income is very very welcome. I do not make a great deal, but it counts.

When V was smaller, it was emotionally manageable.I guess it was also because i had my sis living in with us. She was my support system. Now that he is almost four, and we are on our own, i miss being with him more than he does i guess. It is more like a realization that very soon, he may not need me around. And i will be left with a sense of deprivation, of not having been around as much as i wanted to be.

Everytime he turns difficult, i end up questioning my parenting skills. Am i not doing something right? I read a lot of other mom's a feel better that it is not just me. Still does not help that wave of guilt that washes through, more often now than ever.

I hope that TB gets a job somewhere far away, in some other part of the world. Then i will have the perfect excuse to quit and stay at home with V and TB. I can't think of any other excuse to quit working now.

But i SO want to be at home when V returns from school, do things with him. I SO want to feel a little more energetic when TB is back, so i have enough time to just snuggle up. Have time to talk to him about anything other that reminding him to finish this work, pick up this stuff etc.

What i would not give for that day!

The D with legs

So, we have been practising our alphabets for a while. About two months, or something close to that..

After the last parents meeting, after which we( i) resolved to be a complete hands on mom on education, we have made miles of progress. Reading out alphabets where ever he feels fancy is one...asking me for the word is another favourite exercise.

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V reading out random alphabets from anywhere....

V: Mama what is " f.u.n"
Me: That is " fun", as in "masti"

V: "s.a.m.s.u.n.g"...whats that?
Me: Oh..that is " samsung"- it is the name of our fridge.
V: What is the name of the fridge at ammamma's place?
Me: * racks brains- hollow sound*" Hmmm..i think we'll ask her when we call next?"

V: * reading paper over my shoulder* "a.t.t.a.c.k"
Me: "Aahhh...here's your Noddy book. Which story you want me to read?"

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We also write and draw...


That's A, B, H , E and D- which V decided looks better with legs and eyes and ultimately turned into a "bug"

And that is Papa, Mama, himself , and jellyfish( please don't ask why the jellyfish)

I love the picture....see how slender mama is looking , exactly like in real life...

No? errr..okay.

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Tomorrow is next parents meeting...updates after that.

Scene & Heard

I am opening the kitchen cupboard to take out some stuff for making dinner. Then...

V: " What you taking?"
Me-* without looking at him, answers* : "I am taking XYZ"

V: "Why you no ask before opening cupboard, i have told you no opening"
Me-*acts along*: " Okie , can i please open the cupboard and take xyz?"

V- * standing arms folded* : "No, that is not for mama"
Me : " Please?"

V- * finger pointed* " Just one, no more , okay?"
Me: " Okie Sir, anything else?"

V: " And close the door after you take it"
Me * hitting self with closest available object*


TB is switching channels and settles on an action movie...

TB* Increases volume by two points*
V: " Why is this so loud, reduce the volume, i can't hear anything"
TB* Glares at me*
Me* Conveniently looks away*

At dinnertime- me coaxing valiamma to have dinner and go to sleep, she insisting she does not want dinner tonight...

Me: " No, you can't sleep without eating anything, you'll get acidity in the morning"
V* chips in helpfully*: "Valiamma, eat your dinner, how will you grow otherwise??. How will you become big like papa and go to office, how will you grow muscles like popeye?. Come ,eat fast"
Valiamma* ROFL*

Me cooking...

V* walks into kitchen, stands and looks at my antics*
Me* With great elan , removes the roti from the griddle and puts it on direct flame for it to puff up*

V*Visibly upset*: " The roti is crying , waaahhh waaahhh"
Me: "Why Kanna?"

V: " You are burning it no?, that's why"* walks off*
Me* flabbergasted*

V refusing to eat breakfast in the morning and wailing....

Me: " You have exactly five mins to eat and get ready,stop crying NOW"
V:* Another wail and fresh batch of tears*

Me* exasperated*: " Is there a reason you are crying now??"
V* shakes head to say NO, then shakes head vigorously to say YES*

Me* Feeling gulity for being a non empathizing mother- in my most endearing voice*: " What is it kanna? Why are you crying?
V:"The fan is slow"

Me: WTF!

Boooooomeranged

Last weekend,we were driving around with TB's cousin who was visiting us, and it was one of those rare occassions where V was sittting with him in the passenger seat. Usually that is where i sit, and make sure he doesn't change the gear to reverse while TB is driving,

So we stop in between to fill gas, TB steps out and----------

* horror* A very inquisitive tiny hand goes to the steering wheel, the handbrake and gear

Me *shouts*----"don't you dare touch that ...the car is still on"-------------* exasperated sigh*

V * turns in slow motion- points finger*----------------" Don't shout,i can understand if you say without shouting"



Cousin * laughs his guts out*

Me *startled!- boomeranged expression on face*

I take the first step...

It was parents meeting at V's school today. I have to mention here that there were more mothers than fathers present, even if both parents are working...says something?

- Mothers job not important??she can afford to take off from work and spend two hours in school! Fathers are running the world?

- Fathers do not want to be the one's representing the child? They chicken out on responsibility? Just to note, there were no "fathers only" who had come in.....

I have my own views on this..and it is a dicussion for another day, a very serious one.

Back to the meeting, it went quite well. I dread these meetings. With new age schools, i keep getting worried, never know what feedback they have about our kid. When we put him in last year, he had difficulty getting used to two new languages, english, and hindi. This year, he's been speaking in both, plus his mother tongue, so that's sorted out.

Then came his teacher last year who commented that he needs to improve his fine motor skills( read- holding pencils and writing/ drawing). Scared the shit out of me at first. If our walls are any testimony to go by....he has mastered the art this year.

All has been fine this year, and his teachers have been kind enough to tell us that he is a pleasure to have in class( initially i thought it was a general comment they make to all parents- till i overheard some of the grilling other parents were being subject to. I mentally thanked my stars, thanked V , and quickly exited).

She left me with one comment- V is not very proficient in identifying alphabets, while he answers most of the other questions first, when it comes to identifying alphabets, he takes a while,and someone would have answered before him. She told me that he feels a little let down if his friend identifies alphabets before him, and i need to work with him on that. She also mentioned that by the end of the year he would have definitely picked up most of them, but maybe i should start now, so he can feel better about it.

Frankly, i have not worked on his alphabet reading. While i read out to him, we spend time of general knowledge,paint/ draw etc, i have not really started 'teaching ' him. Maybe we should. I feel i have not invested time on this, and i am going to correct it.

So we are embarking on a "know your alphabet" mission , starting this weekend. Hoping to make it as creative and enjoyable for him...

And for me..this is going to be the first proper teaching activity. Wish me luck, and i hope to be at least half as capable as my mother.

I prefer it this way

Everyday, when I get home, I get greeted by general pandemonium. There are toys on the floor, on the table and every part of the house. You cannot walk without tripping over crayons and a million other knick knacks strewn around. On top of that, there is a 3 and half year old flying out of the door to jump onto me. The radio is playing, so is his keyboard, where he has managed to press a key so far down that the single note is playing non stop.

All I need by then is some rest. I am dying to sit down, take off my footwear, take a shower, and feel like a human being again. All hopes of that get quashed when V decides that now is the opportune moment for him to bring out the coloring book. I am forced to sit down with him, and comment on each picture.
There are days when I wish V would sleep before I reach home (that sounded quite mean, even to me) and I could get some well deserved r.e.s.t

Two days ago, V was asleep when I got home. Just my luck!. I did all that I wanted to, took medicines for my bad throat, which my doctor has affectionately labeled as follicular tonsillitis, and warned as contagious.
I settled down and waited for TB to arrive, and instead of feeling quite relaxed about having all the time to myself, I was MISERABLE! .In about half an hour, I went from miserable to desperate and was contemplating waking up V. I just could not handle the silence.
Thankfully TB arrived soon. We had dinner and settled into the sofa and watched TV for a while…After some time, TB said ‘the house is so quite , and lifeless’. Totally so!

I would prefer the pandemonium any day, as opposed to this silence. Being a parent has rendered me incapable of a sedentary lifestyle. …..and I am not complaining.

Sleepy ..and croaking!

We have caught the virus...V and myself. I am quite convinced that this one came in from V's school and firmly planted itself in his nose and throat.

In between the numerous slurpy kisses and half chewed stuff he lovingly offers me everyday, some of the virus found way into my throat too( if this description sounds too yucky! to you, run far away from this blog).

So now i am croaking, and dreading the thought of eating. My tonsils are giving food a hard time to go by and testing my endurance levels.

V is in the next stages... he has coughing fits and it scares the hell out of me. And they always, note always, start after you have finally put him to sleep and have just crashed. So last night, i was up at 1.26 AM, trying to figure out what to do to stop his cough( i couldn't even stand straight, forget thinking straight). So i gave him warm water and cough syrup, no luck!

If you have parents like mine, they will tell you little gems of information like "the best way to cure a dry cough is dry heat"- Which means heat pads on the chest. For the lesser souls like us, ironed towels on the chest. That is precisely what i was doing up at 1.26 AM. Ironing towels( trying not to iron my fingers in the process) and applying them to V's chest. This went on till about 2.18 AM, when V decided to call in a night( day?) and fall asleep. So did his mom, who still had to unplug the iron and put it back before crashing. And then struggle to get back to proper sleep.
So here i am today, sleepy, groggy( after 6 lozenges!), croaky( despite the lozenges) and quite ill tempered.
For those who are curious to know where the other parent was , all through this???.....He was RIGHT THERE!!!. On his side of the bed, which is about 10 inches away from all this action. He woke up to find out what the commotion was all about, appreciated my efforts on childcare with a 'huh?' and promptly went back to snoring. I am now wondering what made me keep quite?I am pretty sure i wasn't capable of thinking.

Next time, he gets to iron. He irons his shirts better than i do...guess it is only natural that he gets to do what he is better at. Even if it is at 1.26 AM.

V is moving out..

He has a new cot and is moving out to his room this week. The cot has arrived, the made to order bed is not here yet. And we still have to get him spiderman coordinated sheet and pillow covers.

And i am not so sure if i should be feeling happy or sad. It feels like he is moving out of the house. Right now he starts every night by pushing us( kicking us to be exact) out of the sofa and plonking himself there while we catch up on some TV viewing. Then we move onto the bedroom where he brings along his pillow, reading book, a towel to hold on while he sleeps and insists that we read him the book and then, he reads it to us! That is when he is at his talkative best, and that is the only time he prefers to talk about school.
We talk in the darkness and there is something very magical about that last bit of the day before falling asleep. Both V and me take a while to settle down and giggle and laugh, making TB wake up and wonder how on earth he is supposed to live with two slightly mad people at home. This is my life, and i love it

How will i go to sleep without having V snuggle up? Both TB and me ask him whose side does he want to sleep today. V is very gracious, he takes turns, i know he secretly prefers to sleep closer to TB( so do i!). I can't get over the fact that next week on,he's going to sleep on his own.

The whole thought process behind getting him a cot was to make him sleep earlier, initiate him into schooling hours. Right now, the idea is not looking very appealing to me.
Maybe i will still let him sleep with us and carry him onto his bed later, like we do now. My baby is growing up, and i am feeling a little deprived.

Is this normal? or is my paranoia setting in?

One more?

I have written here , several times over that TB and me would love to have another kid..a girl, maybe?

But the question is when?I can never seem to put together a good time for that. As always, there are these million questions that come to mind....
1. How do i share my time with V???
2. Where is my support structure to maintain another kid..and this does not in anyway mean money.
3. What do i do once i have two kids? Quit working?( unthinkable!)
4. How will we manage home/ kids/ work and commute!!
Invariably, it all comes back to time....which we have in hand in very scanty amount.

I completely feel V should have a sibling- to learn to share, to love, to be responsible for, to be loved, to be adored, to be looked upon and just to be there for him, when all else has passed. I just don't know when. Every evening, when the door opens and V flies into my arms, i completely fail my resolve to have another kid someday , and share my time with him.

We have so much love to give him, and so little time to tell him that. For now, being a perfect family can wait..i need V and his hugs, unrestrained.

Smarty pants!

I do not remember having fussed about what i was made to wear all through my childhood...ever. I think most of it had to do with the reason that there was not much of options to choose from. But, it worked.
Mom used to stitch most of our clothes till we were about five, and then readymades took over. There was never a question of us( me and sis) deciding what we wear..well, till i was maybe 11 or 12.
I was wondering how much changes in a generation....for the last two weeks, i have been fighting with V everyday when i get him dressed for school. The reason..he will wear only trousers/ jeans to school. Not the shorts, not the half pants, not the collared shirts, nothing but jeans, pants and T shirts.
When did 3 1/2 year olds get fashion conscious????
For the first few days, i gave and let him wear what he wanted. Then i picked up a nice set of halfpants and a matching shirt two days ago , and he just refused to wear it, i walked out, Valiamma intervened and finally got him to wear it.
Today again, i picked up another set, and he just refused to wear it. I tried asking him why? he just said no! Then i told him he can go to school if he wears this set, or he can stay at home.......he acted like he was going to cry, so i told him to go ahead and finish crying , and told him i was leaving in five mins and he can leave with me if he gets dressed by then.
This has become a daily routine...just when i thought i has conquered the " eat your breakfast quickly" fight, this one had to show up.
What is with kids these days...its like they seem to have an opinion about everything! I absolutely detest these fights...considering that only 25% of V's wardrobe is Jeans and pants, i see a lot more of these fights coming our way.
So should i relent, give in, let him wear what he wants? and let him feel he can get away with what he does? We are not that kind of parents..i stick to my guns , and resolve to impose military rule from today when it comes to dressing...I resolve, leave home, brood about being nasty to V and feel like an absolute defeat of a mother by the time i reach office at 9.36 AM.

At 10.02 AM, i overhear my next cubicle colleague( mother of age 7 & 4- boys) talk to another collague( mother of age 12- girl!) about kids and clothes. I jump out of my seat, butt into the conversation without any invitation(colleagues- thank you for letting my butt in), and pour my heart out on the above topic. I am prompltly reassured by both of them that it will only get worse, and that i should keep my resolve on to make sure things don't worsen any further.

I thank god for giving me an office filled 95% with women( so much of timely advice), heave a sigh of relief( still wondering why? it is going to get worse anyway!), feel one with world motherhood and get back to work.

Not quite the weekend....

It's not a nice feeling t0 end the weekend at the the casualty with a howling child at 2AM . Which is precisely what happened. After a decent saturday and better sunday where we thought V was getting better, we were back to square one last night. The virus just refuses to go away!

At 3 AM , TB and me are driving back from the hospital and wondering to ourselves the drastic change that one 1.2 metre person is making to our life. TB would have otherwise killed anyone who woke him up during his sleep.....all it took yesterday was one feeble" mummee" to get us jump out of bed, ready for any adversity.

V is bored with himself, with TV , with having to lie down and generally with everything around. All he wants is to is go out and play, and eat jelly and mixture. Can't let him do any of those, at least for now.
And i hate to see him look so low, hate to see him lose that 1 kg accumulated over last six months, and can't live through his tears.

Mixed bag of life...

Its been a seriously crazy week...some heartbreak, some exhilaration and absolutely sleepless nights.
We are proud owners of a "house" now. The entire clan is thrilled( me and TB are just a little wary of how this affects our finances- bottom line in corporate parlance). For sure, it is the best thing we have done in some time. I have suddenly developed this fancy for all those home magazines, the interiors in them loook fantastic! and completely unaffordable:-)

V caught hold of some stray virus and came down with the worst fever and loosies i have even seen on him. And right before the day we had to go to for the registration. At 2 AM was still making up my mind whether to take the 6 AM flight or call it off. But we had to..and we did go.
I always find that when i tell "V" the truth, he understands and accomodates..he's a gem of a kid. Has more sense than me most of the times.
So i told him we had to go and why we had to..and all he said was" You go, and come back fast". I cringed- which mother leaves her kid when he is sick and goes off? and on top of that i am trying to reason it out with him? I had the most guilt ridden day of my life!
I gave him the keys to the house in the morning and told him it was his house keys. He refused to let go of them and said he wanted to come to buy the house. So did i ....I am definitely taking him to show him his house very soon..for now, he keeps flipping through the pictures of the house and is thrilled to see the room that will be his.

Hopefully my weekend should be better..looking forward to some sleep, some self pampering( read- time at the parlour), time with V and TB and of course, the British GP.