Identities in a crowded world

I am a normal average middle class Indian. The kind who aspires to do well, save for a house, for retirement, have money tucked away for emergencies and parents healthcare. Also the kind who upon hearing about the lives of friends abroad, wishes one was abroad.

---dreams about living abroad one day, the clean roads, the winters that do not exist in India, to make a snowman, work 8 hours a day and have a quality life. Of doing a vacation once a year to perhaps one of those picturesque locations oft seen in travelogues.

--wonder if we should have moved out of the country earlier, like a lot of friends, managed a citizenship, visit India once in two years for 30 days, take pictures of self and kids every week, at every juncture in life- to share with folks back home, video chat with loved one’s and complain about non availability of authentic Indian food.

True, I harbour all these thoughts and wishes.

But then....

There are days when I feel the need to be part of a crowd and quietly take a detour to the market on a busy day with no aim to buy anything. Just walking through the crowds, taking in the sights and sounds, looking out for anything that catches my fancy, I realize my identity.

Deep down inside, I am still a part of a large extended family. I need my daily dose of family matters, chatter and gossip. I need to find out what mom cooked for dinner today. I need to attend that twice removed cousin’s youngest daughter’s engagement. I need to be around my people, see that familiar old house once in six months, pray at the family deity’s temple, and spend the night sitting and chatting in moonlight.

I am still in India, just 2000 kms from my parents, not seen them for exactly 4 months, not been home for 18 months, and homesick like hell. I am in the most crowded city, meet people who want to know intricate details of my life 25 seconds after they meet, and still feel lonely at times.

That dream of living abroad some day, the more I think about it, less appealing it sounds now. Travel I will, but home is where the heart is.

And home will never be more than a night’s drive from where my folks are. Ever.