Why am i doing this?

Come this may, and we will take a huge step in our life.

V's nanny returns to her native place for good. In simple terms, it can be described as a " blow below the belt". Now starts the worry of - finding a daycare that will take in V while both if us are away for work. Not exactly what we want to do, but very less choice in there.

I am fairly sure she will want to stay back for a while more if we really push her, or maybe even suggest it, and it is not going to be easy to manage work/ home/ kid...but then --The decision of letting her move on has been made, her family informed and appraised.

So why exactly are we doing this???I kept asking myself this question ..and in my mind...

This is why we need to do it.

• Her age is catching up. V is getting more active, her agility is failing. Her general health i better than average, but her age worries me.And age related problems have started showing up. About time for her to spend time with her family, and not with us.
• She came to us with an initial decision of staying till V was 3 and then stayed on, because- she could not stay without him. So the next 2 years happened. Now she feels that V's dependency on he is reducing. Which is - true. They move on. They need less of us to do things. She finds that difficult to accept and discourages him from doing things on his own. Not good in the long run.
• I think me and TB are growing complacent. We have someone else take care of V's small things on a daily basis. In these formative years,parents need to be around for children to learn from them and grow. V sees more of her, and learns a lot from her. Ideally we would like that he learns from his parents.
• On a selfish note, not having someone live in the house 24 hours a day will also give us some " we" time and live as we please.
• And at a very secretive, personal level, i harbour the hope that i might just quit and stay at home for a while and just be a mom and wife. Practically very unwise, buy hey! it's my hope.

Writing all this down was easy. The road ahead is not. I have a feeling i just asked my way to hell.The problem with all such exalted predictions is that they come true, and come back to bite in our butt!

But this had to happen someday. Better now than later! I need a lot of prayers, and a way forward.

In my usual style, i shall procrastinate till April!

About a holiday...

I have been threatened at gun point, bullied , coaxed, cajoled and generally been abused for not posting anything.

No, not really, but i sense that coming my way . Subtle messages are being sent out.

We went off to the jungles of Corbett for the weekend and enjoyed a 'proper holiday'. I did not look at the watch, did not stress myself out thinking about my commute, missed all sorts of communication with the outside world, and have the most amazing weekend.

A holiday with children conjures up the image of a good looking place, complete with a resort with all amenities, enough entertainment to keep the child occupied, swimming pool for the grown ups to spend time on..and service on call.

Instead, the smart people that we are, went off to Corbett with a bunch of friends, in biting cold, to a place completely inaccessible by public transport, with no electricity, no swimming pool, no games for children, and no TV!!

I saw a whole new side to the 5 year old. He walked and walked for three days, made friends with every person in that camp, held their fingers and walked around,met the 8 dogs that the owners keep, fell in love with them, played with dogs twice his size, watched birds, listened to their calls, and just..walked! ( we shall not talk about the mealtime fights here and how he managed to get apple juice on demand from the kitchen).

Some holidays leave impressions on you....pictures in your mind that photographs cannot do justice to, smells that bring back moments, voices that remind you of conversations.....

--- of crushed leaves during an elephant safari...

the way the child laughed when he reached out to tall grass sitting on the elephant...

going back for second helpings of the most awesome porridge in the world..

the crackling of the campfire and the quite noise of fryums being eaten by a dozen people in darkness...

the majestic sambhar deer looking straight at our eyes while waiting for us to move on , so his baby can cross that road...

The thrill of first time angler seeing the fish he caught...

V saying 'bye fish" when we let it go back..

hot water bags in a freezing bed...

Father son moments that one wants to treasure forever...

Enjoying the sun lying out in the middle of no where...

Company of genuine people...

Amazing conversations...

...... doing nothing,and feeling completely good about it.

Holidays like this, are truly the stuff fantasies are made of.

A tag...

1.Whom do you remember when in deep shit? God, Mommy, Dad, etc
God- in any form, and TB.

2.Whats your favourite swear word?
Shit! and under my breath , the F word too.

3. When in mixed company, how do you describe your strap when it can be seen?
I usually do not say anything, just go ahead and correct it.

4. When in mixed company, how do you talk about your period?
Never had the reason to speak about it in unknown mixed group. With the known group, i say pretty much what i want to..

5. Which actor have you had the longest crush on?
None, really!

6. Did you have a fun nickname in your college days?
Not that i know of. may be i should ask others if there was one...

A child's worth

I am sitting next to the feverish kid, stroking his hair, and patting him off to sleep, while he mumbles in meftal induced drowsiness. It is 2 AM and my eyelids are giving up.

The grandmother comes over from her room, sits on one end of the bed and strokes his legs. I tell her to get some sleep, this nocturnal exercise is not going to help her BP. She refuses, stays.

I am holding the kids hands, and notice some tiny cuts and bruises that were not there earlier. I examine them like a painter who has just discovered a speck of dirt on his precious artwork. It hurts to see the blackened knee, the red line on the ankle and elbows. I am chasing that one elusive mosquito that is hovering around his head, with continued vigour.

I turn to look at what grandma has discovered while i was busy being besotted with love and displaying in unabashedly, and realize, that it is me she looking at the. She holds my palms and strokes them, looks at the wrinkles at the elbows, tucks in one stray hair behind my ear....

....just like a painter who has discovered a speck of dust on his precious artwork.

Right there, in that moment, i realize a child's worth to the mother and realize how blessed i am.