"It is by chance we met . . .

…….By choice we became friends."



Yesterday, when I was speaking to a neighbor, she asked me a question that set off this discussion.

She asked “Why do you let V play with Z all the time, you know it not the wisest thing, there are much smarter kids out there. Maybe you should direct V to be friendlier with them”



Should I ? Why?The child Z in discussion is V’s close friend, have a fantastic set of parents who adore him, is very good looking and has a temperament to die for. His shortcoming? ----At 5 years of age, he still does not speak coherently.

So? It’s just a matter of time.



I see V and him playing, cycling around, sometimes in a gang, sometimes on their own, and V keeps chatting…Z actually picks up words and talks back to V. He is everything V would like in a good friend. They understand each other, they complement each other….What more can I ask for?So I turned to my neighbour and said “Why should i? They love each other’s company, they stand up for each other, and they understand each other..isn’t that what friends are supposed to be? Are you worried that he not speaking will rub off on V and he will become any less smart than he is now?Maybe Z will learn faster with V around, and maybe Z’s temper will rub off on V..i’d like to look at it that way”.



It is his choice..and I know friends can’t be made. They have to happen….When i was growing up, my parents were not really keen about some of the children i was friendly with in class. No..it had nothing to do with religion, class, gender etc, but another reason i found rather strange then. They weren't smart or good enough!

I remember dad once fleetingly mention that "You'll be better of in school if you are friends with children who do better than you in class, with smarter kids". He i assume, must have thought that some part of their smartness might just rub on me? Maybe. It is a different thing that i never got around actually doing that.



Years later, i wondered why he had said that, and realized that in his social circle at that time, his recognition was directly proportional to his child’s academic/ extra curricular performance and who is your child rubbing shoulders with. And he obviously would have wanted to see that his child- me - did that with the right crowd. Well, the topic died the day i came home and announced my marks in class 10. He was hoping i would do better than his colleague's daughter, the one whose parents sat up all night while she studied for board exams.I did better, out of 5, 49000 students who appeared for the exams, I was ranked 32nd across the state. I was content. He stopped questioning my capabilities, forever.



Back to friends, i moved to stay in a hostel and study, because i got into the college of my choice. In the first year, i was in the dorm with 8 others, and all of us were stars in class.When it came to choosing a roommate for the second year, i just could not figure out anyone i wanted to be with.



I ended up choosing a girl who was not a part of the star gang. And i was very happy. We absolutely loved each other company. She was much grounded. She changed my perspectives about a lot of things in life.



Dr H- if you ever read this, i haven't thanked you enough for that year :-)



Over the years, this is what i have learnt about friends....



-They don't need to be around all the time

- They definitely do not need to be better than you. Having friends from all walks of life is a great leveler. It tells you what you have that you do not appreciate.

- There is never a wrong time to call them.

- When you need them, they are ALWAYS there. At different walks of our life, we have needed help. It was always our friends who stood up for us, and most often, not the same ones.
-----I have lived in with a colleague and her husband for a month when i was in last stages of my pregnancy, and when TB was away. I had known them for 5 months then.
-----I was fed and taken care of by another friend and wife, who had met me about three times before that.
-----One couple who have stood by us through thick and thin for the last few years started out being TB’s bosses.
-----Three of the people I can call as good friends today, were first met as colleagues at my second job.


And no…I did not choose them; I did not ask them to be my friends. They just became. And none of them are rockstars, they are not the smartest t out there in the world- not the most successful. But they are the best for me.



“A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway. -- Fr. Jerome Cummings”