If only i could...

8.15 AM- ten minutes to schoolbus

V is having a standoff- holding onto his clothes , insists on being dressed by TB who is in the bathroom, right in the middle of shaving.

Me, almost ready, barks at him from the bedroom that he can stay back if he does not allow to be dressed NOW.



8.17 AM

Me, dressed, steps out and sees V , still holding on to dress, braving tears.

Sits down and gets him dressed. He hugs and does not let go. Gets him dressed, tell him he needs to sleep in the afternoon , else he will be cranky in morning.

V nods, looks up and says "Amma House'l irikko?"- " Will you stay at home ?".
*Gathers up self* " Why kanna?"

" Kannunt'e koode irikko?"- "Will you stay with me?"
* fumbles*" Of course i will..but i have to be at office, i promise i will come soon, then we will......"

TB comes in time,takes V's shoes from my hand and saves me from the disgace of weeping before i leave for work.But.....


In my head, i am perennially questioning my decision to stay a working mom....

-When i realize my baby is growing up , and i am missing seeing him do that.
-Those few moments when before i sleep, realizing i have not hugged or kissed V as much as i wanted.
- When i realize that TB and me have not had a decent conversation in days.
- When we are so tired, we crash on both sides of the bed like strangers...
- When i want to make something special and realize it will have to wait for the weekend. Three hours of commute is. no.fun
- when i have not called family in days because it was past their bedtime when i wrapped up my day.

I enjoy my work, and it was a conscious decision to get back to work after 3 months of having V. We had an option of moving to two different cities then. TB had an offer from a very large company , but the posting was at a remote location. The other offer was from a not so big organization, but it was a bigger city, and i had the option of taking a transfer there.

I was very big on continuing to work so off we went with option 2.

Of late, we have made some significant investments in life..and the first thing TB said was, "now we need your income more than ever". We have never compromised on life- till now, the going has been good. We have EMI's , bill's and now, V's schooling. Additional income is very very welcome. I do not make a great deal, but it counts.

When V was smaller, it was emotionally manageable.I guess it was also because i had my sis living in with us. She was my support system. Now that he is almost four, and we are on our own, i miss being with him more than he does i guess. It is more like a realization that very soon, he may not need me around. And i will be left with a sense of deprivation, of not having been around as much as i wanted to be.

Everytime he turns difficult, i end up questioning my parenting skills. Am i not doing something right? I read a lot of other mom's a feel better that it is not just me. Still does not help that wave of guilt that washes through, more often now than ever.

I hope that TB gets a job somewhere far away, in some other part of the world. Then i will have the perfect excuse to quit and stay at home with V and TB. I can't think of any other excuse to quit working now.

But i SO want to be at home when V returns from school, do things with him. I SO want to feel a little more energetic when TB is back, so i have enough time to just snuggle up. Have time to talk to him about anything other that reminding him to finish this work, pick up this stuff etc.

What i would not give for that day!