One step closer
One of my constant fights is with myself. I am permanently living with the feeling that i haven't done enough with my time.
That i have not done enough work to earn my bread , when i leave work..
That i haven't finished as much i could have ..when i am waiting for sleep
I haven't done this / done that with him, when ever i have a weekend with V
I haven't done enough for my parents, for my in laws..
It does not matter that i might have done what is humanly possible and what needs to be done has been..There is still a sense of " I could have done more".
I have been a " self pusher" all through life...maybe largely due to the reason that i grew up in a large joint family where there was no 'me' time. Or 'we' time, with my parents. One learns that to want something is to earn it. There is no other way. Throughout my growing years and into marriage, it worked beautifully...i wanted something, worked for it. I did something, i put my heart into it- unrelentingly.
Somewhere in the last few years, i started stopping to wonder if i was enjoying this.The thrill of achivement, the sense of well done deed- what was it worth? I wasn't enjoying the journey because i was too focussed on getting it right.
It has been a constant effort, to convince myself that i do not need to be perfect to enjoy this journey, or more importantly, neither do the people and my surroundings need to be perfect. I am still accepting that cushion covers strewn over the sofa, or a biscuit packet open on the floor is perfectly reasonable. That a picture perfect house does not signify a perfect life...
--That not being able spend every waking hour with my son does not make me any less of a mother, that not being perfect in every work does not make me any less of an asset to the organization.
It is a constant fight, but i go on.
On days when i spend two hours making paper boats and another hour splashing in the puddle-with not a though about dinner plans,
On days when i settle for night and cannot think of any one task i completed- but feel comfortably warm and happy with my family around me,
On mondays when i do not wake up with an excel sheel opening up in my head....
..... My heart warms to know i have started enjoying the journey.
12 comments:
Good on you. Better late than never right!
Echo...
I'm still stuck on the first part.
Focussing on 'earning' my stripes. On getting everything right.
I'm still learning, to let go. To enjoy the journey. To not worry about not doing enough...
Lots to learn from you.
this is a nice post! that sense of inadequacy is something all of us grapple with it i suppose, and if you have managed to letit go even some of the times, thats brilliant
Boy o boy - how I share that struggle. You've summed it up beautifully. Continue to enjoy every moment of it!
Oh, YEAH! totally familiar feeling. Isn't parenting, wife-ing, working and just LIVING just so much more perfectionist nowadays!
Glad to know someone else is struggling too. Enjoy the relaxation!
Sole: Thank you
Richa: I guess it is a phase. I'm sure you will also have a reckonng someday.
Cyn: Thank you.Now to sustain it.
Era: It IS a struggle. You hit the nail there
Starry: Letting Go is truly exhilarating..once it is actully done:-)
I struggle with this alot. Mine has to do with time between the 4 kids.. Or when I work out and feel is it fair to stick all 4 of them in the daycare for 2 hours while its such a nice day outside.
or seriously why didnt I clean the stove before going to bed.
Or are my plants going to die because I didnt water or empty the saucer filled with water.
Or why didnt I make my weekly phone call to inlaws
Og god, i just stressed myself out more. Off to empty the saucers..:)
where's my tag?
Soon , MimM soon.
Great post.. Can relate with all this. And most of all I worry that I am setting a lousy example for the Imp in terms of choosing career, balancing her life, learning to let go, etc.
when you stop enjoying what you do, life tends to be mechanical..
it takes a lot of courage to accept we need not be perfect to enjoy every thing - what you have discovered is what really matters - the one open biscuit packet, the strewn cushion covers - they are perfectly reasonable.
The best way to enjoy life is like what Krishna have said in Gheeta - do the karma without worrying about the fruit, but then, it is not that practical in todays world - we almost cannot make ourselves do that.
the feeling of nagging guilt (i am not so sure whether I can call your feeling guilt) in your mind that whether did you really earn your bread today, whether did you really earn the time you spent with your family - these are almost like termites - they feed on your happiness. When you try to scale all of your actions with how much you could have done, you are not getting to enjoy the fruit of your labor, but you are in constant worry / in constant struggle to surpass yourself. If you are always in a pursuit to surpass what you have done, when will you enjoy the fruits of the deeds you have done so far?
many times, what mates more is 'getting it' than 'getting it right' but we are almost scared to accept that.
once you condition yourself to accept that, you can find more time to enjoy thins - to enjoy the fruits of your hard labor.
it is a constant fight, and the will to fight on is not easy to come by, but never falter. you have discovered what really matters, now dont let it slip out - fight, and master it :)
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