To be 17

It is 8.30 AM on a monday morning.

She is wearing a snug fit jeans and black and white tee. a few strands pulled back by a clip and held in place. She loooks pretty, very pretty, like any 17 year old should look like.

Her regular bus is late, and she is worried...can't be late to class on a monday.
Her eyes are looking beyond the curve, waiting for that red bus to show up,while she mentally assesses herself -" Do i look pretty enough?"

Just ahead , she sees the bike on the road. winding its way through the traffic. Smartly dressed guy on the bike. But ah! helmet. Will he look at her? She shifts a little, facing the road. The traffic slows down, so does he. She looks farther, pretending not to see him slow down. Traffic moves, he moves, not before looking at her. She glances backwards at the last moment and catches him look at her.

She smiled a knowing, playful smile of the one who knows she is being admired.

Neither of them saw the woman sitting in an auto and watching this little act unfold.
In that moment, she made me want to be 17 again.

One step closer

One of my constant fights is with myself. I am permanently living with the feeling that i haven't done enough with my time.

That i have not done enough work to earn my bread , when i leave work..
That i haven't finished as much i could have ..when i am waiting for sleep
I haven't done this / done that with him, when ever i have a weekend with V
I haven't done enough for my parents, for my in laws..

It does not matter that i might have done what is humanly possible and what needs to be done has been..There is still a sense of " I could have done more".

I have been a " self pusher" all through life...maybe largely due to the reason that i grew up in a large joint family where there was no 'me' time. Or 'we' time, with my parents. One learns that to want something is to earn it. There is no other way. Throughout my growing years and into marriage, it worked beautifully...i wanted something, worked for it. I did something, i put my heart into it- unrelentingly.

Somewhere in the last few years, i started stopping to wonder if i was enjoying this.The thrill of achivement, the sense of well done deed- what was it worth? I wasn't enjoying the journey because i was too focussed on getting it right.

It has been a constant effort, to convince myself that i do not need to be perfect to enjoy this journey, or more importantly, neither do the people and my surroundings need to be perfect. I am still accepting that cushion covers strewn over the sofa, or a biscuit packet open on the floor is perfectly reasonable. That a picture perfect house does not signify a perfect life...

--That not being able spend every waking hour with my son does not make me any less of a mother, that not being perfect in every work does not make me any less of an asset to the organization.

It is a constant fight, but i go on.

On days when i spend two hours making paper boats and another hour splashing in the puddle-with not a though about dinner plans,
On days when i settle for night and cannot think of any one task i completed- but feel comfortably warm and happy with my family around me,
On mondays when i do not wake up with an excel sheel opening up in my head....

..... My heart warms to know i have started enjoying the journey.

Reporting live

Current situation at home...

KID
Completely screwed up sleep schedule in view of new school timings.
Onslaught of temper tantrums and defiance at age 4.5 .
Demands to be put back in playschool.
Fight for dominance of TV remote.
Vocabulary consists of one word ---"NO"

MOTHER
Half snot clogged, half fried brain.
Heavily resisting the urge to smack above kids bottom.
Is having nightmares about next days lunchbox menu.

FATHER
Missing in action most of the time.
Fight for dominance of TV remote(when awake at home- for exactly 120 minutes).
Is ready to murder some people at work.

Har Har...i'm beating my own drums...

This is embarassing! no really.
I was asking around , after being tagged by MinM to do a tag on why i am awesome.

So i asked my folks why they thought i was awesome, and received...
- blank looks
- vague statements of " because of the person you are" type..
- questions like "Awesome, you?" kinds..
I am scarred for life!

Gave up and decided to do the tag on my own.here is why i think i am awesome.

1. I am awesome because i think there is nothing like too much love....knows a million people- loves them all. Never held a grudge in my life. Couldn't find a reason to. Know me in real life?Then you'll also know there will be a place for you- at our home and in our hearts, any time. Not met in 15 years? no problem- we'll just start where we left off then. Once a friend, on for life.

2.I am awesome because my middle name is Persistence. I'm not a fighter, but someone who just does not give up. You can ignore me, but you can never shake me off- till i get what i want from you. Every year in my appraisals these words stare back- and i smile to myself. "Persistent, Assertive, not aggressive. "

3. I am awesome because i am fiercely independent- i can run my life. I will share responsibilities only because it is socially expected to. If not, i'd do it all by myself. With all due love to the man i married- he knows it better.

4. I am awesome because i strive to stay above my standards. There is a common standard that is expected of someone, then there are expectations above it . I put my standards even above that- so i never fall short of anyone's expectations, except mine.

5. I am awesome because i have the most awesome family, and i value them : Loved one's i grew up with, the men i love ,and the family that i acquired. Much before we got married, after we had presented our case to the families and i had met his parents, TB's dad called him up to say " i hope you are dead serious about this . We met her, we love her. So if you have any second thought's about this , do not come back home. She can stay with us" Need i say more?

6. I am awesome because i have been brave. Not the "will watch 12 AM horror movie alone" type brave. Life hasn't exactly been a bed of roses.There are times when we may have walked away from this life, thrown the towel- called it quits. But no-we held on, fought back and stayed on. Experience tells me I am at my best when life is at its worst. I have been stronger than i ever thought i could be , brave to take risks in life that thankfully paid off.

7. I am awesome because i am a realist. I cannot step out beyond practical thinking. Everything i do is based on practicality. There are no impulse decisions, there are no fantasies in life. Maybe overtly practical at time, but it keeps me grounded, and very close to reality.

Phew! I give up!

And thank you all for reading all that crap above.

Un-maid

I read her in the morning , and said- i have to write today.


We have a lady who lives with us to take care of V. She's family..not tied through blood, but by heart. She's from our village and i have seen her come to work in the fields from when i was a kid. We call her valiamma, which means mother's elder sister. Every one in our building calls her the same. When we moved in, several of our neighbours wanted to know who she was and how she was related to us. I told them she was a distant relative,and someone we have known for a long time.


I was asked this question several times over in the last two years. I wondered why. Slowly i realized it--
-my answer decides her place in this society.


--If i had said she is not related to us and she used to work for our family back home- that would put her in the category of a 'maid'. Then the social setup she will be interacting with will be very different- the cooks, the bai's, the day nanny's, the full time maids and assortment of people that comprise of half the population.

-- If i said she is a relative, she is treated as an equal by the numerous mothers who bring down their kids to play with V, and the people who she meets on a daily basis


I know she will not be there with us for long..but she keeps coming back every year. The reason- she has a place in here. She is not a nobody. And she cannot live without V.

There have been occassions where she was given a second class citizen treatment- but we have always pulled her up, and made sure they know she is family. Today, everyone we know calls her 'valiamma', and treats her with that respect.


I am just glad i said the right thing.

Fat obsessed

Son: Weighs himself everyday, under supervision on mother , hoping for a few additional grams added on from the day before.

Mother: Weighs herself in hiding everyday(once, twice, thrice too-Bleddy water retention!). Hastily averts eyes from the flashing numbers and hoping some grams of fat have mysteriously dissappeared from the day before.

Father: Trying everyday to master the art of "how to disguise belly with clever dressing"Has never got onto the weighing scale.

That people, is our family!

Till then....

In true blue mallu fashion, my brain is on bandh.

Demands include immediate rain in this part of the country and extension of some crazy deadlines at work.

See you all after demands are adequately met.