Silly somethings

On days like this,

when summer threatens to appear

I want to dissappear.

Under the cool blue water,

I could become a fish

Alas, its only a wish

I could just run home,

Snuggle under the bedcover

And take time to recover

I could leave for the hills

And stand facing the breeze

And not even mind a freeze

Instead, i sit here and stare

at this screen in a daze

Hoping to get out of this maze

Some lost feelings..

Edited to add: Very regional post ahead. Please pardon. Could not get it out in any other language.

It is Onam.

3 days of celebrations... and 10 days of preparation for that.

--Ammamma overseeing the quality of mud used to make mather/ thrikkakkara appan, and allowing us to make small utensils with mud to be kept around the mather. The pleasure of compring the neatness of small mathers' with sister and cousins

--Waking upto find dusted and polished "pookkooda"( flower basket) kept outside the verandah, ready to be picked up and dash off.

...scurrying to pluck the best flowers before the neighbour's kids get at them.

-- turning up our nose at the circle of plastered cowdung to put pookkalam, and forgetting about it as soon as the pookkalam takes shape

--Sticking flowers into tiny sticks and balancing them precariously around the mather. Selecting the best flower of the day to go right on top.

--The fun of crushing ladies fingers leaves into the arimaavu/ kolam maavu to make it easier to write the names. Watching mom write down all our names and stars around the Matheru. Watching the list get bigger each year with new kids being added to it...

The pookkalam and sadya were a given. That would happen anyway.

It was these small moments that made our onam.

Now, for Onam, we make pookkalam with market bought flowers, make sadya with all the dishes, but these small moments are what i miss giving my son.

Today he knows Onam as a festival. Someday, i hope he understands the spirit of Onam as i did.

Till then, we will live in this farce of a celebration.

Ignore my rants ..... Go ahead and have a happy and properous Onam.

Break point

When two people have been married for a for a while, do they start accepting each others shortcomings as normal, or does that lie as an undercurrent in the relationship, waiting to explode at the opportune moment?

I'd like to believe in acceptance.

I always wonder What makes people walk away from a relationship of years? What is the breaking point?

5 years ago, after a fight with my husband, i'd be angry, frustrated and counting minutes through the night. Planning revenge,plotting strategy to walk out of the house and not return. Now,after a decent fight, i go to bed with the knowledge that this too shall pass, and that we are very normal.

But when i hear about friends and random people breaking up after being together for years,i worry.I could never imagine the generation before us decideing to go their seperate ways citing reasons that our generation does.

" We are not compatible"- after 8 years of marriage , and "She does not understand me" after a decade and two kids sounds very very scary.

Are relationships so fickle now? There are some basic fundamentals that i consider sacrosanct.

>>Infidelity: can be never accepted in a relation.

>>Respect: The spouse could be anyone professionally, but respect for the person is essential.

>>Honesty/ trust: if we are a unit,unless i know what the other parts are capable and are doing, work cannot be in tandem.

Maybe i am just an aberration-but to me, all other aspects can be worked on.

5 years down the line,this ideal may come back to bite me in the butt- they always do. I guess i need to work really hard to ensure that my break point is very very far away.

I do not ever want to be among the scores who say " it's just not working out", all the while cringing for the child who is always the one to lose.

Identities in a crowded world

I am a normal average middle class Indian. The kind who aspires to do well, save for a house, for retirement, have money tucked away for emergencies and parents healthcare. Also the kind who upon hearing about the lives of friends abroad, wishes one was abroad.

---dreams about living abroad one day, the clean roads, the winters that do not exist in India, to make a snowman, work 8 hours a day and have a quality life. Of doing a vacation once a year to perhaps one of those picturesque locations oft seen in travelogues.

--wonder if we should have moved out of the country earlier, like a lot of friends, managed a citizenship, visit India once in two years for 30 days, take pictures of self and kids every week, at every juncture in life- to share with folks back home, video chat with loved one’s and complain about non availability of authentic Indian food.

True, I harbour all these thoughts and wishes.

But then....

There are days when I feel the need to be part of a crowd and quietly take a detour to the market on a busy day with no aim to buy anything. Just walking through the crowds, taking in the sights and sounds, looking out for anything that catches my fancy, I realize my identity.

Deep down inside, I am still a part of a large extended family. I need my daily dose of family matters, chatter and gossip. I need to find out what mom cooked for dinner today. I need to attend that twice removed cousin’s youngest daughter’s engagement. I need to be around my people, see that familiar old house once in six months, pray at the family deity’s temple, and spend the night sitting and chatting in moonlight.

I am still in India, just 2000 kms from my parents, not seen them for exactly 4 months, not been home for 18 months, and homesick like hell. I am in the most crowded city, meet people who want to know intricate details of my life 25 seconds after they meet, and still feel lonely at times.

That dream of living abroad some day, the more I think about it, less appealing it sounds now. Travel I will, but home is where the heart is.

And home will never be more than a night’s drive from where my folks are. Ever.

Friendship blues

Some of the best friends are the ones i meet less and socialize even less with.

I am guessing it is solely because i know i do not need to do these. Some friendships do not need a measure.

The last weekend we spent time with a couple who we knew on and off for the last 11 years. What started of as a casual busines acquaintance has now grown into a relation ship that i cannot define. And somehow we happen to end up the the same cities together.

We move cities, stay away from each other for most part of the year and meet once in a quarter, maybe? But, when we meet, it feels like they have always been around. Like we last met them the day before, or that morning..

And conversation, always tends around things that i would never discuss in open. Financial situations, where we could improve as people, what i want to do with our lives in the next 5 years, Worries about family,concerns about parents - their age, illness. A visit from them and i feel much cleaned. Like i've put down a load from my head- oh not just mine, happens to TB too.

And yes, sometimes we do the regular girlfriend thing too...like go shopping to a mall, put kid in a play area for hours and shop to our hearts content.

They are moving again, to a different city, and were practically holed up at our house over the weekend. We cooked , watched movies, played with V and were just ourselves. When they were leaving, she said" When do we see you again?"

And the husband said : "All you need to do is ask, and we'll be here. But you know that already, don't you?"

Yes i do.

I know they'll be there when i need,and they will know exactly what to say, and it will feel like they never left.

Is there something called friendship blues? I think i am suffering from that right now.

The top 5

This one is for MinM. I already gave you my excuses for being so late.
And for VJ, who double tagged me, so i have no excuse left.

So here are 5 great things TB has done for me, in no order.

Bestest Friend
The one who lent me a shoulder when i was heartbroken, one who chaperoned me to dates in college, the one who taught me how to ride an enfield bullet, and always finished half of whatever i ordered at the local tea shop. The one person who knows absolutely everything about my life. My bestest friend for the last 14 years.

The know-how man
I am the practical one around here. But he is the logic man. I can tell you what needs to be done. But he will know how exactly to do it. Without him, my practical suggestions do not find ground.

The one who came back, again and again
When we started working and had to part ways after college, i told him that the next three years were our test. Anything could happen- we were human. That there would be no bad blood if we find someone else.
But he came back, every meagre holiday he had, he made time to come to my workplace, hundreds of kms away and then went to meet his family. He made sure i was left with no time and inclination to think of anyone else.

Never son- in -law
He has never been a son-in- law to my parents or family. He has been the son they never had, elder brother to my cousins and the nephew my aunts and uncles adore.
From my mom, who spent months pondering what was the correct approach for a 'jamai', and who now shares a glass of wine with him.
To the uncle who refused to identify anyone else except him in late stages of dementia. He is truly the son they always wanted.

The awesomest in laws.Period!
In one word, his family is what you call" bindaas" in hindi.
I could not have asked for a better family to be a part of . I have him to thank for giving me them.

Tring tring...

I have not died and gone to heaven.
There are other reasons i can attribute to my dissappearing act. ....Like work, sick child, work, sick spouse, work, general grubbiness etc.
Will be back on track soon, reading all of you, and hopefully writing more.