2nd February, 2005

2.30 AM

I am half conscious, i can't feel anything, and my back is still killing me...my eyes are bloated from crying so long. The nurses are surprised i have not screamed at all though this...

Suddenly they move from the side, between the tears i see a blurred vision. In red saree, wearing gold ornaments, she looks like mahalakshmi from that old calendar. This must be goddess..That vision is stored forever in my memory.
Goddess tells me she had to come and see me, however far she was away and tells me things are not looking too good. She wants to cut open and take the baby out....whatever, i tell her. I can feel the scalpel cutting through, strangely there is no pain.

3.03 AM

She asks me to push, and then there is a huge wave of relief. I know the baby is out. Aren't they supposed to cry. I can't hear anything..i panic. I hear the water turned on , and a loud wail.. the sweetest sound ever heard.

The nurse comes around with baby" it's a boy" she says. I see a glimpse of the red face , and a stubby nose. I reach and kiss the nose. She says she has to take him to the NICU, he is going to be in the incubator for a while....and he is taken away

3.10 AM

The doctor congratulates me, and says she needs to stitch me up. I am is a trance, i ask her if it is going to hurt..she laughs and says" not more than what you went through"..i smile.
They stitch me up, and i listen all about the wedding she was at, in a haze. She tells me she is done, after 23 stitches, and asks me to rest...I want chai, they get me chai, and i fall asleep on the gynec table. They let me sleep.

6.30 AM
I wake up, and feel like i was in a dream. The stitches hurt, and the entire night comes back in a moment.
I am shifted to a room. I want to see my baby, i tell them. He is in Neo natal ICU, you can see him at 11.30 AM they say. I count seconds.

My dad comes, and hugs me like there is no tomorrow. Family comes into the room. They have seen baby in the morning...he is very tall, like TB, they tell me. I count seconds

11.30 AM

I have been waiting outside for 15 minutes now. They let me into the visitors room, the nurse comes and takes me inside the ICU. It is yellow all over the place. So many babies. can't amke out which one is ours....The nurse stops right next to an incubator.

V lies there...too tall for the incubator, and lanky..but he looks like the perfect baby that was ever made. I can't hold him. i can only touch his feel and hands. I think i will die..i want to stay there.

The nurse walks me out. I see him the next day.

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V spends 15 days in NICU before he goes home with us. TB saw V for the first time after 3 days after he was born. V battled losing weight & not being able to feed for a full month before he finally got back his act and decided it was time to fight back. He has not stopped...

Happy birthday my son. You have been and will be my best ever gift.

Today you will turn 4. I think i will never ever be able to show you how much i love you. I just don't know how.